I know that often when setting boundaries I hear my Ego mind telling me what a terrible mother I am, how selfish I am and to just be compassionate and caring like the Buddha. It’s interesting how manipulative my Ego mind can be by bringing in the Buddha that way. Whenever I try to take care of myself and have boundaries, I hear this Ego voice loud and clear.
Even though this voice comes in and tries to persuade me it doesn’t mean I have to listen, agree and then do what it says. This is the tough part because once this voice speaks, the quilt and shame come in heavily.
Lets look at what the voice is saying. “If you don’t do what others want, you are a bad person and you are not being compassionate.” Something that is taught in Buddhism is to have compassion. This isn’t just compassion for others, it’s also compassion for yourself. I believe if you cannot have compassion for yourself, when you act for others in thinking you are being compassionate, it is more like an obligation.
When we act out of obligation under the guise of compassion, anger and resentment will often follow. If we are helping someone through our anger and resentment, the energy it carries is not caring at all. If a situation can’t be a win-win, it will be a lose-lose. Meaning, if I do for someone out of obligation, it’s a loss for me. It may look like a win for them, but because it’s a loss for me, it can’t really be a win for them. The only way it can truly be a win for them is if I’m not losing as well.
If I’m being compassionate to them and not myself, this creates a win-lose, which is really a lose-lose. If I give up a part of myself to make things good for another, I will be listening to my Ego voice, in of itself is a loss because I never want to strengthen this part of myself. It goes against the universal law, which is win-win.
It is particularly difficult for mothers having boundaries with their grown up kids because we are used to sacrificing ourselves for our children and we believe this is what we should be doing.
I love what Kahlil Gibran says about the relationship between parents and children.
On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran
If you have a tough time having compassion for your self and setting boundaries, more spiritual work on mastering your ego mind is necessary. Through my individual retreats and mentoring you can learn how to care for yourself in a loving way.
