This year particularly I think, for me, has been a year of really exploring my behaviors. Am I coming from a place of love or am I coming from a place of fear? The world is packed with situation’s that would bring fear into me. Although I must admit during the holidays, it’s way easier for me to be in a place of love. I’m gifting and giving from my heart, which always helps me stay in a place of love.
I hope that you take this opportunity with your Family to let go of any ideas that you have around them having to have the same beliefs as you do, so you can stay in a place of love with each other. Let go of everything that has to do with the outside situations and just be in that place of love in your heart. Recognizing all their good and letting go of any judgments you may have. Sometimes this is hard because our family brings up all of our stuff and then we start projecting how we feel onto them. Pay attention and if you start doing just that, breath and take yourself to a private space and go inward with your feelings, instead of projecting them.
It’s a new year for us to set intentions on being in a higher place with our consciousness and if you are struggling with this, make sure you look at doing your work, either, in a retreat or mentoring to help you recognize your behavior, and not act out. It feels so much better in our bodies when we manage our feelings and behaviors from a place of love. It also feels much better to others when we’re not projecting our emotions onto them, and not acting out.
I hope this new year brings you so much love and joy in your life.
Blame means to hold someone responsible for some perceived error or faults, whether the error fault is real or not.
A lot of times when your daughter is blaming you it’s misplaced anger that isn’t even about you but you seem to be a safer target. When your daughter was a teen she wasn’t really able to process her emotions and therefore it was easier for her to blame you for everything; how her life is feeling to her. Unfortunately, if she is feeling crummy about her life she may blame you but if her life is going well I’m not sure you’ll get the credit.
Teens have yet to develop their ability to reason and so unfortunately, they will falsely assign blame and it usually lands on the mother. When she says she hates you it’s because she’s angry and holding you responsible for her unhappiness, even though you have done nothing wrong. If she is feeling angry, negative or resentful she will possibly blame you for everything she is not able to cope with. Once she is ready to take ownership for her issues, the blaming will stop.
As a human being there is no possible way to be the perfect parent. At some point in a child’s life when they become emotionally mature adults, they need to see through the errors of your parenting and heal their wounds and stop blaming you. If this blame continues for a long period of time, it will eventually erode the relationship and make it harder to come back to a more loving space with each other.
It’s so important to have an understanding for our process of growth through our triggers because of how people show up for us. If you are always expecting people on the outside to show up a certain way to make it feel good, 50% of the time you will be disappointed.
In my work through the mother-daughter retreats whether it be teens or adults is all about taking full ownership of your own emotions and using those emotions to heal. It is through the process of healing our own wounds that we find peace with ourselves and others. The first place this will shift is the mother daughter relationship.
The earlier you can work through this dynamic the better it is for your daughter, because she will learn how to love herself through your relationship instead of dumping the blame and anger on you. Well working on your relationship in the mother daughter retreat the biggest shift is the love you find for yourself. Once we find this love for ourselves it organically shows up on the outside with others and the first to feel that shift is definitely the mother.
If you would like to explore a mother-daughter retreat no matter what age your daughter is, schedule a free consult here Scheduler Free Consult and let’s talk about if it’s right for you!
Mother Daughter Retreat Testimonial
“This retreat was definitely different than anything I’ve experienced before. The spiritual aspect of this retreat was really outstanding. It is hard to settle into the retreat because it throws a lot at you really fast, but I don’t have any regrets! I learned more in two days with Debra than I have with any therapist in weeks.” ~ Nicole, Daughter
“I wasn’t sure what to expect. I learned there is continued healing to be done inside myself – wounds that have been a barrier to a loving relationship with my daughter. I’m humbled by the opportunity to explore where I needed healing, so that I can restore the relationship with my daughter. This has been a deep journey inward and a cathartic experience. Thank you!” ~ Jane, Mother
First, I want to say Happy Holidays to all of you and honor all the work you’ve put in to be the best version of yourself that you can be. I feel so lucky to do this work and connect with so many warriors on the path of healing, like myself. The holidays are a time to practice being in a space of love and not fear. It can be such a joyous time and it can also be a time of conflict among family members.
This year I will be staying in Sedona with my youngest daughter, 44 years old and her 2 chiweenie’s (2 of my 3 grandkids.) We normally go to Oregon to see my oldest daughter and my grandson or they come here. But this year we are not connecting.
During the holidays the tension is definitely higher and here are a few tips on how to be around family members and stay alive. Families are where we get triggered the most and take things personally. I always hear from clients “If she wasn’t my sister, or my mother, etc. I wouldn’t be in relationship with her.” It’s tough to avoid your mother, husband or kids.
Our family is our biggest teacher. It lets us know exactly where we are in our personal development and our limits to love. I always know where I am in my process the first day of my vacation with my kids. I am usually on top of my limiting beliefs in general but boy do they get magnified around my kids.
In a family where everyone is doing their personal work and no one is projecting, you might not have to worry about triggers. Sorry, I had a little giggle because I have never seen such a thing. Mostly what I see and experience is that we are all human, doing the best we can and trying to get out of our family dynamics alive.
How about shifting the getting out alive to learning from the dynamics for our higher good? First and foremost, don’t take things they do personally, including their opinions or judgments. Let them have their opinions, even if it’s about you. Something simple you can say is “That’s interesting.” Don’t get sucked into the “you gotta win game.” Let them think and be who they are. Love them for who they are.
If you are experiencing anxiety, depression or severe physical symptoms this lets you know that you are taking it way too personally and believing their behavior is actually about you, when it’s not.
Family time is a chance to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of your self. Easier said than done, when in the heat of triggers on steroids.
Simple tips to staying calm around family:
Their behavior isn’t about you
Don’t engage in trying to win conversations, just say “That’s interesting”
This is an opportunity to grow
They are doing the best they can
Love them for who they are (even if they’re crazy)
Take care of yourself while around them
Stay sober
Enjoy your holiday season and learn to love passed your limits!
I have been studying trauma and the effects and listening to Dr. Gabor Mate for many years. If you haven’t seen his new documentary Wisdom of Trauma, I highly recommend it.
Many people associate being traumatized with experiencing childhood abuse. Nonetheless, a parent doesn’t have to purposefully harm their child to traumatize them.
Certain parenting strategies, such as letting a baby “cry it out” rather than comforting them, can have lasting consequences. The parents believe this method has worked when the baby stops crying but Dr Mate says what actually has happened when the infant falls asleep after a long period of crying is the brain shuts down from the overwhelming exhaustion and pain of being abandoned. It’s an automatic neurological mechanism, the baby gives up. In the short-term the parents feel as if this method has worked, at the cost of the child’s long-term emotional vulnerability.
Societal Traumas and Healing
Dr. Gabor Mate, who has spent much of his career helping traumatized patients, believes childhood trauma is only one aspect of the bigger picture. People can also become traumatized due to the shortfalls of society.
For example, if a single mother must work two jobs, requiring her to leave her infant with a babysitter, then the baby might be less likely to receive enough attention. A helpless baby who doesn’t receive the love they need may have traumatic effects even if they didn’t experience violence or sexual abuse.
As a society, we are failing to meet our children’s needs. Dr. Mate believes traumatized people have become disconnected from themselves. This disconnect is resulting from our capitalistic culture, which promotes mindless consumerism over deeper mental and spiritual development. Another issue is that many doctors, teachers, and other professionals who work with children aren’t properly educated on the latest research on childhood trauma.
Doing our inner child work gives us a deeper view of what our traumas are and move forward into healing them. We cannot do anything to change what has happened in our childhood, but shinning a light on it and learning the tools to heal and grow through them is critical.
I do this deep work in all of my retreats and my clients experience transformational healing.
Avoiding your feelings can create an unhealthy environment in your mind and in your body. But the worst thing that avoiding your feelings does is takes away the opportunity for you to look at what’s going on in a much deeper way and grow from the experience.
Potent emotions can be extremely challenging especially when there are many crazy experiences going on in our life at once. I find it easier to sit with one emotion at a time, and having a conversation with the lower part of yourself that is totally hooked into that emotion. Usually when you do this, you can find out what the root cause of your suffering is.
There is usually two ways people deal with their emotions, first they stuff them and the feelings tend to get heavy inside and affect them physically, (depression or anxiety) or you will project them outside of your body by possibly yelling or other ways of acting out. Neither are healthy. The best way to deal with overwhelming emotions is to take the feeling off of the situation outside of yourself and bring it inside and sit with the feeling, and breathe and explore what’s going on for you, instead of making it about what’s happening outside of you.
You do not want to avoid your emotions or feelings because in doing so they sit inside your body and turn into unconscious anger, withdrawal or self-sabotage. It’s important to go inward with your emotions and reflect and feel them before taking them to others to express. What people have a tendency to do is to express their emotions to others through the lower part of themselves/ego, which is just another form of unconscious expression. The only thing you should be going to others about is your learning about the situation, not about the actual situation. When we talk about the actual situation like what others do wrong it feeds the unconscious self and doesn’t actually exhaust the emotions.
When bringing your emotions inward, it is important not to judge what you’re feeling or the situation, simply look at your feelings and possibly was happening inside your body and connection to an old belief. After doing this you can just let it go, although letting go doesn’t mean it won’t circle back, it might and that’s okay. Some limiting beliefs take a long time to exhaust. During the process of letting go deep breathing really helps.
Feel the emotions, be with the emotions, don’t run from them or projecting them outside of your body and then
breathe and imagine letting go.
Getting centered during the Covid 19 Pandemic:
How can a Personalized Sedona Soul Retrieval Remote Retreat can help bring you back to center?
Hello Everyone, it has been a while since I have connected and I hope you and your family are safe and well. This time in history has brought up a lot of old wounding and beliefs around aloneness and safety for many people. There is so much that is unknown in the world right now with the health of the planet and the political situation. People are steeping in fear.
How do we maintain our balance and stay grounded in this world of uncertainty? When we look at history, and I mean history from way back when, we have always been in crisis. This isn’t anything new; people killing other people, pandemics that kill, and a world separated by beliefs.
This like any other time is time to go inward and explore how we feel and recognize that the outside world is just scratching up against an old belief system and making us suffer. Maybe your belief is, I’m not safe in the world, or people aren’t safe, or the unknown is scary, or that feelings are safe. I have experiences all of these at one point or another during the last 9 months. It’s important if you are buying into any of these beliefs that you not project them outside of you. This means don’t blame the situation for how you feel, do your work around your beliefs, knowing they were inside of you all along.
This is the tricky part! How can we not blame Co-Vid for making us feel unsafe, it appears to be a scary virus? If we go deep within, we will notice that we have always felt unsafe in regards to many other situations; this is just another one. The idea is to heal the wounds from our childhood and by placing the blame on outside influences we lose the opportunity to do our work and shift our old, limiting beliefs.
If we stay stuck in the story of any blame and miss any chance to heal. In my Intensive remote retreats, we explore old patterns and wounding and connect the dots with our actions. We look at which part of our minds we are feeding and growing. Most people are feeding their lower egoic mind and aren’t using the higher mind muscle much at all. The more we use the ego mind the stronger it gets and the higher mind remains weaker. With this work you will start to utilize the tools to develop a higher part of your mind and shift old patterns that keep you stuck. Here is what a client said after a 3-day intensive remote retreat.
“My experience with working with Debra during my online three-day intensive was incredible. I came to Debra lost, confused, and broken and after three short days I feel like she has guided me through uncovering my old beliefs and habits which have been detrimental to me and my relationships- particularly my relationship with my daughter. I now have a clear plan and path for addressing my emotions so that I can truly move forward in life and my relationships as my best self. Wish I had gone through this process years ago. Life is an easy but I now have the tools needed to bring a positive energy back to my world. Thank you, Debra” -Julie
She was going to do a mother daughter retreat and we decided an individual intensive was the best place to start. Whether you do an intensive indidual or a mother daughter retreat, both will help you see how you may be acting out of this lower place in yourself and damaging relationships that are important to you.
The remote retreats have been amazing and I’m excited to be offering them during such a time of need. I am offering a nice discount as well, knowing people could possibly be struggling financially.
I hope you are strengthening those relationships that are important to you by showing up in a loving way and know that if you are having difficulties doing so, I’m here.
If you are having difficulty leaning into love and you have more fear, you may want to consider a Intensive Online Retreat or Mentoring Course.
How a Personalized Sedona Retreat can bring you back to balance
Hello Everyone, it has been a while since I have connected and I hope you and your family are safe and well. This time in history has brought up a lot of old wounding and beliefs around aloneness and safety for many people. There is so much that is unknown in the world right now with the health of the planet and the political situation. People are steeping in fear.
How do we maintain our balance and stay grounded in this world of uncertainty? When we look at history, and I mean history from way back when, we have always been in crisis. This isn’t anything new; people killing other people, pandemics that kill, and a world separated by beliefs.
This like any other time is time to go inward and explore how we feel and recognize that the outside world is just scratching up against an old belief system and making us suffer. Maybe your belief is, I’m not safe in the world, or people aren’t safe, or the unknown is scary, or that feelings are safe. I have experiences all of these at one point or another during the last 6 months. It’s important if you are buying into any of these beliefs that you not project them outside of you. This means don’t blame the situation for how you feel, do your work around your beliefs, knowing they were inside of you all along.
This is the tricky part! How can we not blame Co-Vid for making us feel unsafe, it appears to be a scary virus? If we go deep within, we will notice that we have always felt unsafe in regards to many other situations; this is just another one. The idea is to heal the wounds from our childhood and by placing the blame on outside influences we lose the opportunity to do our work and shift our old, limiting beliefs.
If we stay stuck in the story of any blame and miss any chance to heal. In my Intensive remote retreats, we explore old patterns and wounding and connect the dots with our actions. We look at which part of our minds we are feeding and growing. Most people are feeding their lower egoic mind and aren’t using the higher mind muscle much at all. The more we use the ego mind the stronger it gets and the higher mind remains weaker. With this work you will start to utilize the tools to develop a higher part of your mind and shift old patterns that keep you stuck. Here is what a client said after a 3-day intensive remote retreat.
“My experience with working with Debra during my online three-day intensive was incredible. I came to Debra lost, confused, and broken and after three short days I feel like she has guided me through uncovering my old beliefs and habits which have been detrimental to me and my relationships- particularly my relationship with my daughter. I now have a clear plan and path for addressing my emotions so that I can truly move forward in life and my relationships as my best self. Wish I had gone through this process years ago. Life is an easy but I now have the tools needed to bring a positive energy back to my world. Thank you, Debra” -Julie, Remote Retreat
She was going to do a mother daughter retreat and we decided an individual intensive was the best place to start. Whether you do an intensive indidual or a mother daughter retreat, both will help you see how you may be acting out of this lower place in yourself and damaging relationships that are important to you.
The remote retreats have been amazing and I’m excited to be offering them during such a time of need. I am offering a nice discount as well, knowing people could possibly be struggling financially.
I hope you are strengthening those relationships that are important to you by showing up in a loving way and know that if you are having difficulties doing so, I’m here.
If you are having difficulty leaning into love and you have more fear, you may want to consider a Intensive Online Retreat or Mentoring Course.
Click HERE to schedule your free consult. Or call me at 928-300-0447.
If you are having difficulties with your choices around relationships, check out my retreats and mentoring. The individual intensive, the couples retreat, or the mother-daughter retreat, you will learn about yourself and how to clean up your past so you can move through this life with love and passion.
“As soon as we began I knew this was the direction I was wanting to go. I felt Debra was spot on with where the feelings are coming from and truly gifted me with the tools to care for those feelings. She did such a great job at turning an ugly/hurt filled situation into a meaningful, purposeful, beautiful experience. I love the way I see and feel about myself, my mom and our relationship… Not only with each other, but with every body else in life. I can’t thank you enough, Debra. You are such a gift! I feel blessed to share in this experience. -With love, Jennifer (Daughter)
Debra, thank you so much for helping me to connect with my daughter and myself. I’m very glad that I chose you in this reconnecting process!” -Sincerely, Julia (Mom)
It’s important to manage our fears regarding the Corona Virus!
There is an extreme amount of fear circulating with everyone regarding this virus and our economic situation. I notice it rumbling in my body throughout the day. It is critical that we learn to manage this anxiety by going inward not outward.
When we look at the situation outside of ourselves it will elevate our levels of fear and anxiety and actually expand any of the old beliefs we are buying into. If we can just take two big deep breaths and relax our body and connect with what we are feeling, and realize that it is coming from our projections outward.
Most of us are feeling pretty unsafe and out-of-control in our lives at the moment. If we can understand that these feelings come from being disconnected from source and being more connected with our ego minds, this will guide us back to our connection with God.
The more we stay in the reality of what’s happening out there the more we expand our old beliefs of truly being out of control and unsafe and there is no healing or learning.
During this time of unrest in the world with the coronavirus and economy, I find myself going inward with my practice more and more. Shifting my lower mind to a higher way of being and seeing things through my higher self. If we could all practice being with how we feel and shifting the fear to love, it may shift the worlds dynamics. Fear begets fear just as love begets love. What energy do you want to be putting out?
The faster we shift our energy away from fear, the quicker the universal fear will dissipate.
If you are having difficulty leaning into love and you have more fear, you may want to consider a Mini Online Retreat or Mentoring Course.
Looking at the benefits of being in relationship and not being in one.
To be single or be in a relationship is such a personal preference. One isn’t better than the other; it’s just a choice that’s made. There isn’t a right or wrong way to life regarding being single or being in relationship. Both ways have benefits and downfalls.
One benefit of being single is that it is truly a wonderful way to explore who you are. Certain things come up around doing life solo. It really depends on what your old belief systems are. One of the benefits of being single you have total flexibility to do what you want at a moments notice and the freedom to make your own choices. There comes great strength in making our own choices.
The downfall of being single is always having to make all of your decision alone without someone that knows you really well to bounce things off of; although a good girlfriend can certainly fill those shoes. Another downfall is the obvious one, which is limited affection or touch unless you are in relationships that offer affection. I don’t know many people my age who would choose to be in an affectionate or sexual relationship with a commitment. But that isn’t saying it isn’t possible.
The benefits of being in a relationship can also offer great growth and evolution. This is mostly dependent on if your partner is willing to do the work necessary to grow through difficult triggers. The transformation that can happen being that intimate with another person can be life changing. Another benefit of being in relationship is the pure comfort of knowing you are facing life’s challenges with another and able to give each other comfort through hard times.
There are pros and cons to both being single and being in relationship, again it is just a personal preference. I have loved being in relationship and I currently love being single.
If you are having difficulties with your choices around relationships, check out my retreats and mentoring. The individual intensive, the couples retreat, or the mother-daughter retreat, you will learn about yourself and how to clean up your past so you can move through this life with love and passion.
When we label our actions or ourselves good or bad we are seeing things through our lower mind. The choices that we make can certainly lead us in a direction that may not be in our highest good, although it may be for our higher learning. If one of our choices leads to an unfavorable outcome, we have the opportunity to learn from it, which is always good.
When we make choices that take us in a direction that create a reality for ourselves that we don’t want, we will feel unhappy, sad or bad. We want to be careful not to label ourselves bad when we are in these situations. We may just want to acknowledge that we made a choice that led us down a path we didn’t want to go down and then let it go. Learn from that decision, forgive ourselves and be conscious about not doing it again.
Most of us grew up with the words good and bad being used to manipulate us. If you did what you are supposed to do you’re a good girl if you didn’t you are a bad girl. This type of discipline isn’t the best for us to be guiding our own inner self and moral compass.
Even though I wasn’t raised by parents who said I was a bad girl or a good girl, they were always trying to fix me, therefore I always felt like something was wrong with me. Whereas people that were raised by parents that use these tactics may find themselves feeling badly in ongoing situations.
As human’s we are here to learn, grow and evolve. The best way to evolve is to dissect the decisions that we have made that lead us down a path we don’t want to be on. When we just label ourselves good or bad, we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to grow. If you find yourself in judgment of your actions, push yourself to go a little deeper into exploring what outcome you desire and forgive yourself and just do it differently next time.
If you are having difficulties spotting the areas where you aren’t loving and accepting yourself, check out my retreats and mentoring. The individual intensive, the couples retreat, or the mother-daughter retreat, you will learn about yourself and how to clean up your past so you can move through this life with love and passion.
I have been single quite a bit throughout my life and while my other friends were dating miserably, I was enjoying myself. For me it was an opportunity to get to know someone different and to hone in my skills of being conscious of human behavior. Not only conscious of the behavior of someone else but mostly my own behaviors.
I get a chance to keep and eye on my inner child, that little girl that believes she has to be in relationship and be taken care of to be happy. So I get to watch her either get excited by good things that he does or bummed out around the crummy behavior he has. I also get the opportunity to watch how the lower part in me might defend his poor behavior.
If I am dating consciously and watching myself like a hawk, I will learn a lot about my dysfunctional behaviors and how they might play out if I let them. So it’s a great opportunity for me to have my eyes wide open to how that lower part in me works.
Another thing about dating consciously is that when the typical things like unreturned texts or calls happen, you have the opportunity again to just stay neutral and not get entangled emotionally. Getting tangled emotionally may look like you thinking there is something wrong with you or that possibly you did something wrong or you’re not good enough, when actually when they don’t text or call back it has nothing to do with you. Think about all the practice you’re going to get around not taking things personally, not clinging to good feelings and resisting bad feelings.
My suggestion is to get out and date, don’t put on a show and be somebody you’re not and if there’s a connection great and if there is not that’s great too. Dating helps you to see into your soul’s deepest desires and biggest vulnerabilities.
As long as we are okay with being alone we will never sacrifice our desires just to be in relationship and not be alone. So next time you go on a date, really watch yourself and ask important questions, to see if you are a soulful fit with this person.
If you would like to get to know yourself better, check out my retreats and mentoring. The individual intensive, the couples retreat, or the mother-daughter retreat, you will learn about yourself and how to clean up your past so you can move through this life with love and passion.
Why are we so hard on ourselves and what damage does it do to our sense of self? Most of us are consistently tough on ourselves without even realizing it. We do this in subtle and overt ways that if we pay attention we will be able to catch ourselves in the process. Recognizing our action and behaviors solves half of the problem. If we can catch ourselves in these destructive behaviors, then and only then will we be able to shift them.
A few ways we are hard on ourselves:
Cringing when we look in the mirror or not even being able to look in the mirror.
Not being able to accept a compliment, making excuses about the compliment.
Never being satisfied with ourselves and what we do, always thinking we can do better and getting upset at ourselves.
Packing your schedule so tight that don’t have a minute to relax.
Taking care of others before taking care of your self.
Above are just a few ways we are hard on ourselves, that send our mind and bodies the message that we aren’t good enough. When we body shame, set high expectations, and not allow time to relax and rejuvenate, this sends a message that we aren’t good enough.
In looking at the bullet points above, think about if you were doing any of these things to your own daughter, if you had one. It would be brutal. So if you wouldn’t treat others this way, you shouldn’t be treating yourself in this manner either.
We are good enough, which means we deserve to be cared for and treated with honor. It is so important to care for our self with love and respect.
If you are having difficulties spotting the areas where you aren’t honoring yourself, check out my retreats and mentoring. The individual intensive, the couples retreat, or the mother-daughter retreat, you will learn about yourself and how to clean up your past so you can move through this life with love and passion.
Happy New Year!
“This retreat was definitely different than anything I’ve experienced before. The spiritual aspect of this retreat was really outstanding. It is hard to settle into the retreat because it throws a lot at you really fast, but I don’t have any regrets! I learned more in two days with Debra than I have with any therapist in weeks.”
“My experience with working with Debra during my online three-day intensive was incredible. I came to Debra lost, confused, and broken and after three short days I feel like she has guided me through uncovering my old beliefs and habits which have been detrimental to me and my relationships- particularly my relationship with my daughter. I now have a clear plan and path for addressing my emotions so that I can truly move forward in life and my relationships as my best self. Wish I had gone through this process years ago. Life is an easy but I now have the tools needed to bring a positive energy back to my world. Thank you, Debra”
“As soon as we began I knew this was the direction I was wanting to go. I felt Debra was spot on with where the feelings are coming from and truly gifted me with the tools to care for those feelings. She did such a great job at turning an ugly/hurt filled situation into a meaningful, purposeful, beautiful experience. I love the way I see and feel about myself, my mom and our relationship… Not only with each other, but with every body else in life. I can’t thank you enough, Debra. You are such a gift! I feel blessed to share in this experience.
