How To Deal with a Difficult Family
It is that time again, the holiday season is upon us. This can be a joyous time, and it can also be a time of conflict, especially with family members.
Many of us have experienced difficult situations around this time with family. It can be especially challenging when we travel to visit family members because we are in someone else’s environment and can’t always do our own thing. I usually go to Oregon to see my daughters and grandson. My oldest daughter chooses not to celebrate the Christmas holiday. She thinks it ridiculous and quiet frankly so do I. Regardless, I go see them because it is important to be together. We usually cook and try to not get on each other’s nerves too much. I always know where I am in my process and clearly see my limiting beliefs. I think we can all agree that during the holidays the tension is definitely higher.
We get triggered the most and take things personally when we are around our family members. What I want to talk about is how to be around family members and stay alive. Clients often tell me, “If she wasn’t my sister, or my mother, etc. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with her.” But it’s tough to avoid your mother, husband or kids.
The beauty is, our family is our biggest teacher. They let us know exactly where we are in our personal development and show us our limits to love. In a family where everyone is doing their personal work, and no one is projecting on to others, one might not have to worry about the triggers. Sorry, I had a little giggle because I have never seen such a family. Mostly what I see and experience is our humanness. We are all doing the best we can, and continue to try to come out of our family dynamics alive.
What if we could shift from our survival mode of “getting out alive,” to seeing our experience as an opportunity to learn?
Here are some tips you can try out this year. First and foremost, don’t take things too personally, including people’s opinions, like the new president. Let others have their opinions, even if it is about you. If you are in a tough conversation you can simply say, “that’s interesting.” Try not to get sucked into the “I gotta win game.” Let them think and be who they are. Love them for who they are.
A good personal check in is to see if you are experiencing any anxiety, depression or severe physical symptoms from your interactions with family. This lets you know that you are taking things way too personally and believing their behavior is actually about you, when it’s not.
Family time is a chance to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself. This is easier said than done, especially when in the triggers seem endless.
Here are some simple tips you can use to stay calm around family:
- Their behavior isn’t about you
- Don’t engage in trying to win conversations, just say, “That’s interesting.”
- See interaction as an opportunity to grow
- They are doing the best they can
- Love them for who they are (even if their crazy)
- Find ways to take care of your self while around them