When I am facilitating couples in marital counseling, what I notice the most is that I am really mentoring a little girl and a little boy. That is who shows up for the retreat. I work with clients on the old beliefs that their inner children created and are acting out. The first day of the couples counseling retreat is about seriously looking at those wounded areas that caused the old belief and how they are still living in this little girl or little boy.
Most of my clients are pretty shocked in regards to their behaviors.
When we are acting out of this wounded place, we behave just like a child. If we can’t recognize this pattern, we will never grow up! Usually if you are married to a little boy instead of a grown man, it is a mirror that you too are still a little girl. This is not such a fun awareness to have. I have women who call me about the couples retreat who want their partner to grow up and start being responsible. When I hear this, I start to look for where she is still a child. Usually this behavior is pretty easy to find.
The first behavior of a little girl in relationship with a little boy is that she is looking for him to change to make her feel better. “If he would just be more responsible, our relationship would be much better.” This behavior is making someone else responsible for your happiness. A grown woman knows she is the only one that can be responsible for the way she feels. So, if you are projecting onto your partner to get him to do, say or be different to make you feel better, that is a very childish behavior.
A grown woman knows she is responsible for her own emotional, physical, and financial well-being. She knows that her safety does not lie in anyone else’s hands.
If you ever find yourself in communication with your partner and you are trying to fix him, or defend your position, you are in your little girl. When we try to change our partner or other people, it’s because we feel that we can’t be happy or safe unless they change. This is an old belief and simply not the truth. This is where we can let that inner child know that this is a lie; that our happiness and safety isn’t out there, it is inside of us.
If you find yourself needing to change and fix your partner, marital counseling would completely shift this behavior and allow you to have a more open and loving relationship.
Isn’t being deeply connected to our partner what we truly desire?
