It’s amazing to me how more and more couples are truly interested in creating a more intimate, connected relationship with each other. And, it’s not just the women that have an interest in a deeper relationship but men as well. This is what has caused a real couple’s retreat boom over the past few years.
I actually have more than a few men inquiring about retreats for couples. I believe that men are realizing how important their spiritual growth is. I think they are coming to realize the positive effects on their relationship with their partner as well as in other areas of their life.
When we start to shift our limiting beliefs and taking ownership for our behaviors, our life begins to unfold in a more positive manner. When we look outside of ourselves for our happiness instead of going inward and seeing why we feel and act the way we do, we suffer and cause suffering.
The inner child (ego, thoughts, and old beliefs) inside us is always looking outside to “fix” how he/she feels inside. For example:
“If I could just get him to stop doing that, I would feel better.”
“If my boss were more respectful, I would be happier at work.”
“If I had a bigger house, a newer car, more clothes, I’d feel better about myself.” These are all illusions that cause needless suffering, and they are simply not the truth.
Or, sometimes, the inner child takes everything personally. If someone treats her coldly with a lack of respect, she automatically thinks it’s about her and that she did something wrong. The truth is that no matter how people behave toward you, it’s not about you; it’s their wounding.
When I work with couples, I am always working with them on their own wounding. I help them see where they are projecting and what they are taking personally. Let’s say Coleen has a wound from childhood about not being seen or heard from her parents. Her old belief around this could be, “I’m not important, I’m invisible,” or maybe, “I can’t speak my truth and be loved.”
If her partner doesn’t act interested in something she is saying or doing, this will trigger that wound, and she will take the ignoring behavior personally and really believe that she isn’t important, is invisible, and isn’t lovable. This will cause suffering. The truth is that her partner’s behavior had nothing to do with her; it had everything to do with her partner not being able to be present. That is his wounding and issue to deal with, not hers.
What we must learn is to stop looking outside ourselves for our happiness and stop thinking that other people’s behavior has anything to do with us. That is how we won’t get knocked off balance by the neutral events happening in our world.
When I help couples see this, the triggers around their partner stop carrying so much heat, and the process brings them into a more connected, intimate relationship. Isn’t this what every couple truly wants?
Every couple wants a more intimate relationship where they feel connected!
This is exactly why there is a couple’s retreat boom because ultimately, each partner wants to be closer.
