Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.
Is empathy something that some people are born with and some aren’t? Is it a learned trait? Can we teach our children how to have empathy?
There is a significant amount of research indicating that the prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop and doesn’t become fully formed until a person is in their mid-twenties. These studies say that due to an immature prefrontal cortex, teenagers tend to make irrational decisions and have a poor sense of empathy. I agree that teens seem to feel more invincible and have a lower fear factor than adults. But I do not agree that brain development or the lack thereof is the only factor involved.
In my mentoring practice with teens, I see a number of teens that naturally care about others, including their parents. And then I see the other side of the spectrum where some teens care only about themselves. I have seen situations where parents give their children everything and those children act entitled. However, I have also seen the opposite, where the teens in similar situations are quite grateful. I know adults that have zero empathy and I’m pretty sure their prefrontal cortex is completely developed.
Either way, I believe as parents and elders, we can influence our youth to have empathy for others. We do this by talking with them about situations that come up in real life, such as at school or in the news. We ask questions like, “What would it feel like if you had a learning disability and the kids at school were making fun of you and you were eating lunch alone everyday?” Ask them to really think about it. Walk them through their day as if those actions were happening to them. It’s hard to feel empathetic when you have never been in the shoes of someone in that situation.
You can also use the news to help them look outside their safe little insulated bubble. Ask them questions about things that are happening in the world, and not just what is happening, but how the people feel in those situations. Then try and bring them to a place of gratitude.
So, why is it tougher for teens to really feel how others feel? Let’s take a look at a few reasons this may be so.
- Teens often do not think about the consequences of their own actions, let alone the consequences of someone else’s actions.
- Teens are “me-centric”. We have trained them to be this way because our world usually revolves around them from the moment they are born.
- Teens are often driven by their emotions and are caught up in how they feel in the moment. These types of impulsive emotions are not easily transfered onto someone else.
- Teens do not stop and reflect. They quickly move on to their next thing. This is why they seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over. It just doesn’t occur to them to do anything else.
- Most teens do not know how they feel or how to express their feelings, so they may not be able to feel how others are feeling either.
- Teens often haven’t developed the maturity level to consider others, nor have some adults. .
This does not reflect all teens, and, quite frankly, this behavior does not necessarily change when they become adults. So, I personally think we could be talking about people in general. Pausing and thinking about how our actions might affect others or how others may be feeling would be a good place to start to understand and learn about empathy. And being able to empathize is one of the best ways to learn how to be grateful.
