How do we find forgiveness in our hearts when someone has done something so horrific to us that it seems unforgivable?
Forgiving is not condoning! Forgiving isn’t saying that the act they did is okay!
Forgiving is realizing we are all human beings in our woundedness and we are all broken. The level of harm we cause to ourself and others is determined by our level of consciousness. We can forgive others by knowing that their actions were not conscious.
This is why it is so important to always be moving forward in our personal development, growing to become a better person. I am sure that at some point in your life that you have done something you weren’t proud of and maybe hurt someone. If you allow the anger and resentment to seethe inside of you, it only is hurting you!
“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
The way through forgiveness is to see that we are all wounded and that we are all doing our best. If someone has done something that is so terrible, it only means that something as terrible or worse had been done to him. Most cases of sexual abuse have proven that the perpetrator was abused as well.
To see the perpetrator as so wounded and abused helps us have love and compassion for them and hope for their healing out of their poison. When we let go of the resentment and anger we free ourself of the poison and free them to their healing. It stops the toxic energy from flowing back and forth and then moving on to someone else. This doesn’t mean that the person will stop behaving in harmful ways: it just means that you will be putting a sweet nectar out into the world instead of poison, and this is how we change the world.
I love this story from Pema Chodron about creating heaven and hell inside of us.
Heaven and Hell
A big, burly samurai comes to the wise man and says, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.” And the roshi looks him in the face and says: “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?” The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the roshi won’t stop, he keeps saying, “A miserable worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?” Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he’s just about to cut off the head of the roshi. Then the roshi says, “That’s hell.” The samurai, who is in fact a sensitive person, instantly gets it, that he just created his own hell; he was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment, so much so that he was going to kill this man. Tears fill his eyes and he starts to cry and he puts his palms together and the roshi says, “That’s heaven.” (From Pema Chodron’s book, Awakening Loving Kindness)
A part of my one-on-one woman’s retreat is about forgiveness because it is so important to forgive as a part of our evolution, our personal development. Holding resentment and anger blocks love as well as our personal power.
