by Debra | Oct 2, 2014
Many of us have the belief that we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us. This old belief could come from growing up in a family where no matter what you did, it was wrong, or someone was trying to fix you instead of addressing the issues going on in the family unit.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and a very reclusive mother. I was a very anxious child that didn’t do well in school and had a hard time sleeping. My parents were always trying to fix me or drug me to make me better, instead of dealing with the issues that were causing the problems.
I have an old belief that something is wrong with me, or I’m always doing something wrong. If anyone challenges my opinion or what I am doing, I notice my little girl getting triggered. If I didn’t realize it was my little girl’s wounding, I might defend myself and get upset, instead of just let my little girl know I understand why she is triggered, and I’m just not going to buy into that something is wrong with me; it’s just not the truth.
When you start working with yourself and challenging yourself to see clearly where your actual triggers are stemming from, it may seem like all your beliefs come up at once. You may tend to get discouraged or feel overwhelmed initially. All that is required at that point is to recognize that the thoughts in your head are only your little girl’s voice. It’s not actually who you are. Your higher self is always watching the drama occur and is always able to step in at any moment and be the parent. Normally just saying, “I’m triggered,” sets the higher self into play.
If you want to shift this belief, you have to take the action to not defend your position that you are wrong. If you defend it you are buying into that in fact you were wrong. A simple “I can see how you would feel that way” is all that is needed. What others think and do has nothing to do with you.
Just remember that as long as you continue to work with yourself, the idea that you are doing something wrong may arise, but it’s simply not true. In fact, what you are doing is perfectly right.
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by Debra | Sep 9, 2014
The word “uncertainty” tends to give us the “heebie-geebies.” We tend to avoid any situation where we are uncomfortable and feel uncertain about the outcome of things. It’s far easier to stay comfortable and to know exactly how our day is going to look, what we are going to eat for the rest of the day, that our meetings will go according to plan, that our children will respect our every word, and our partners will go out of their way to tell us they love us and clean the house. What a lovely predictable life!
Life, however, doesn’t have a routine geared toward comfort and certainty.
We never know what we may be handed at any moment. We could wake up to find that the dog pooped on the floor, the kids are sick, we just got laid off work, and our mom decided to spontaneously visit. A strong Buddhist teaching is getting comfortable with uncertainty which means opening ourselves up to any situation as an opportunity to learn, to allow our little girl/boy to grow. We tend to become restricted and closed off when something is suddenly not what we expected or not going our way.
Real personal strength is not avoiding or trying to fix the circumstances that arise, but rather opening yourself up to them with curiosity. Being willing to see and explore the things that seem to bring you discomfort is where you develop your power. Discomforts are actually life’s way of cleverly disguising opportunities for your growth. Lean into the situation rather than pulling back or reacting. Ask questions rather than pointing the finger. Everything is always shifting and changing in our lives. The more we try to maintain control, the more neurotic we become. If we allow ourselves the opportunity to check in with ourselves when we feel uncomfortable and ask, what’s really going on here, what beliefs am I holding onto that are making me feel so fearful and agitated, then our whole perspective can shift. We become hyper- aware of our own personal responsibility to empower ourselves.
Being uncomfortable starts to take on a whole new meaning in our lives. We start to celebrate uncertainty as we would a dear friend sharing a new perspective or a great teacher creating the space for transformation to take place. Our little girl or boy will slowly stop throwing tantrums or start crying when these situations come up. We will begin to relax and realize we are in one giant classroom called “our lives.” Nothing ever goes away until we have learned the lessons we are required to know.
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by Debra | Aug 27, 2014
To dramatically shift our beliefs requires taking the action that is the exact opposite of what our inner child tells us to do. That right action can be seen as our “higher self” telling our little girl/boy that she/he is not going to buy into the childhood wound and old limiting belief. Then, we must not do what our inner child is suggesting. In order to change our belief systems that come from our wounding, we, as the adult must take direct action.
An example of this may be, your partner does something that triggers you and you think, “I can’t handle this, I’m walking out.” This is the advice of your inner child. Now, you can listen to that voice and walk out, and the consequences would be no resolution, no healing, and no connection with yourself or your higher power.
When we are triggered, we tend to feel a reaction in our body. Our chest tightens, tears come to our eyes, our jaws may clench. Whatever the reaction, if we don’t deal with the trigger, the wounding stays in our body and actually reinforces our old belief systems.
For example, if my partner starts telling me a story and I’m triggered in the middle of it, I need to speak my truth right there in the moment. If the person is familiar with you referring to your little girl, then you can say, “Sorry for interrupting but my little girl is triggered. She thinks there is something wrong with her and actually I know that’s not the truth. The truth is there is nothing wrong with her and she is safe.” If the person isn’t familiar with the work you are doing, address it right there in your head and speak your truth to yourself.
Do not wait!
Waiting only creates stronger belief systems and reinforces the little girl’s behavior. Your little girl might think interrupting is rude and remain quiet because she doesn’t think she has rights. If you don’t say anything in the moment, you won’t be able to be present to the person anyway.
As you continue to take the right action and speak your truth, you become more and more honest with yourself and honest with others. You will notice that your beliefs will dramatically shift, and your life will open in a whole new way.
by Debra | Aug 15, 2014
How do we release ourselves and grow from our experiences of suffering rather than become more constricted?
- Start to view suffering as an opportunity for your inner child to grow up. The experiences of life are an opportunity to become empowered, conscious, and a more compassionate person. We can begin to train our minds to see “difficult” situations as a friend and our greatest teacher. It is an opportunity to shrink the ego and connect to a more authentic you.
- Contemplate on the likeness and oneness of all people. If we are suffering with something in our lives, expand that thinking to the whole world. Others are also suffering with the same or worse experiences. If you find yourself agitated by being sick, think of all the people who might have a similar condition, or even worse. By practicing this type of thinking, we stay open, relax the mind, and soften the ego.
- Be grateful for what you do have. Take a moment to reflect on the things that bring you comfort or joy. Even if it seems superficial or forced at first, just begin. You could try, “Today, I am grateful I can walk, or speak.” It’s important to practice stepping into gratitude.
- Wish for happiness for others. If you find yourself in a situation that brings you suffering or grief, take a moment and make a wish that others suffering from something similar be alleviated. It not only helps you develop more kindness, but it lessens the intensity of your situation.
- Meditate on impermanence. We tend to think of things as constant and secure until they aren’t. By reflecting on the constancy of impermanence, we relax into a higher state of awareness. Then, when difficult situations do arise, as we know they will, we realize that this is the way of life. Life has its ups and it has its downs. Both are equally great!
- Develop an open heart. If we are willing to be kind to ourselves when we are going through a painful situation, our hearts naturally open to others. Having compassion for ourselves is the first place to start for having an open heart toward others.
Healing is not a magic trick. There are no quick fixes. It requires the willingness to look at ourselves honestly and see what is already there, no matter how painful. All of our experiences in life are opportunities for us to learn and connect more deeply with ourselves.
by Debra | Aug 5, 2014
Are you taking responsibility for yourself?
Getting stuck in the drama of our lives means we get wrapped up in a situation and our feelings about it and aren’t able to see what’s happening. An example could be someone at work making a remark and you feel disregarded. You could say, “She is terrible. How could she say that to me? She is ridiculous.” The thoughts and agitation stay in your head and you become trapped by the drama. You can’t let it go, so you miss the learning. Most of all, you completely miss the opportunity of taking action and being responsible for yourself.
If you were to take responsibility for yourself, you would start to question the situation and see what could be learned from it. You would ask yourself what beliefs you are attached to and begin to take responsibility for your trigger. If you don’t take responsibility for the way you are reacting, then you forfeit your power as well as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.
The fact of the matter is, if we really want to start to be happy and at peace with ourselves, we need to become intimately aware of our belief systems and how they are holding us hostage. Growing up takes a great deal of effort at first, and then we begin to feel the truth of who and what we really are as we free ourselves from old beliefs. Our actions and reactions will start to look differently, and what used to trigger us will seem almost laughable.
Absolutely everything in our lives can be used to create spaciousness and joy in us, but it requires us showing up for ourselves and not abandoning our little girl/boy. It requires knowing yourself deeply. The world doesn’t change.
You change, and that’s how you change your world.
by Debra | Jul 7, 2014
When something happens in our life that triggers us, we usually try to keep from feeling the feelings that arose from the trigger. To avoid these feelings, we may medicate ourselves by using alcohol, shopping, TV, working, or exercising, slamming the person who triggered us to friends or reacting or projecting onto someone else. This type of behavior is to get ground under our feet. When we are triggered we get knocked off our center. The problem is how we try to get centered by medicating just doesn’t work.
There are inevitable truths that all human beings experience. We all experience old age, we all get sick, and in the end, we all die. These are constants. They are unavoidable, and we can always count on them. Things happen in life that make us feel secure, and then things happen that pull the rug out from under us.
It’s how we react to these moments that really count. We can fall deep into our inner-child and react by looking for ways to artificially feel better, or we can lean into the feelings around the trigger and feel the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, until it passes. Then track the old beliefs that are behind the emotions, and not buy into them.
If we look closely, we can see that most of our hopes and fears arise from us not wanting to undergo any kind of suffering. We don’t want to feel our sadness, anger, frustration, or hopelessness. However, healing begins when we give ourselves the room to explore all of our feelings and really be with them; then track where they came from, and practice not falling into the old belief systems.
by Debra | Jun 26, 2014
Of all the people we can be hard on, we tend to be our own worst critics. At times when we are healing ourselves, it can be very difficult to give ourselves a break.
If we feel ourselves start punishing our inner child by yelling at her or getting upset, especially when she is acting out, we need to take a breath and give ourselves a break. We are human, and change and healing take time. When we start the process to grow up our inner child, we are bound to meet obstacles. Those old beliefs that were created from our inner child have been around for a long time and will take a lot of practice to shift. We have to be gentle with ourselves while also setting good boundaries.
I have a client who works very hard at her self-development. She was raised by parents who didn’t except anything less than perfection. When she falls back into old patterns, which we all do because we are a work in progress, she beats herself up terribly.
Every time we punish ourselves for making a mistake, we are rewounding our little girl. My client’s parents expected perfection from her and so does my client with herself.
Healing our old beliefs is having understanding and compassion for that inner child and letting her know that you are not buying into the old beliefs. If we can’t have compassion for ourself and our little girl, it will be tough to shift old patterns, and we will never be able to feel compassion for others.
We don’t want our wounded little girl to run our lives or allow our belief systems to run rampant, but we also don’t want to drive ourselves crazy and feel like a fix-it-project.
Most progress comes when we are consistent and also kind to ourselves on our path to healing. We don’t need more wounds! The key to a happier and healthier you means you are relaxing into yourself more as you naturally are, not where you expect yourself to be. Take a deep breath and know that everything is lined up perfectly for your growth.
Healing yourself requires having kindness and compassion for your own situation, and for yourself. Take a moment for yourself and check in with the old belief systems as they come up, but remember –
There is nothing to fIx-Give yourself a break!
by Debra | Jun 11, 2014
When life experiences happen, our first tendency is to look at what is happening from outside of us. If something happens that we are uncomfortable with, we look at the person or the situation and think that if that person or situation could change, we would feel better. That is going outside of yourself for how you feel. If we look for change on the outside to make us feel better, we will be sorely disappointed most of the time.
For example, if you have a person in your life that you consider a good friend and she commits to meeting you at an event. The event comes and goes and your friend is nowhere to be found. You get very triggered. If you take that experience outside of yourself, you will project your feelings of anger, anxiety, or fear and go to her to get her to show up differently for you. You may call her and say, “I can’t believe you just no-showed me. You clearly don’t care about our friendship.” And then your future action might be to not be her friend anymore. You are taking this event totally personally.
If you bring the situation inside of yourself, you would look at why you got triggered. Maybe you feel disregarded, not important, or betrayed. If this is the case, then maybe you have an old belief that says, “I’m not important; I can’t trust people; or, I’m not safe in the world.”
Your friend’s actions have nothing to do with you, your importance, or your safety.
If we take the first action and go outside of ourselves to change the other person’s behavior, we are buying into those old beliefs. Instead, we need to go inside and realize that we are important and we are safe in the world, and that just because someone acted poorly doesn’t mean it is about us. Maybe your girlfriend was having a bad day or maybe she is just unconscious. Either way, it’s not about you! This doesn’t excuse their behavior. You may decide that this isn’t a person you want to be in relationship with, but you won’t decide through your upset and trigger. After you look at what’s going on within yourself, then you can make a decision that is good for you.
by Debra | Apr 17, 2014
I used to be the gal who said, “Put the house on my back. I can carry it.”
I lost my mother when I was 26-years-old, my children were 4 and 5 years old, and I went into survival mode. I am a doer; I get things done, sometimes at any cost. The problem with operating this way is the price my health and nervous system paid.
Today, I know better, or I thought I did. That get- it- done- fast, do- it- right way of being crept back in my life into my meditation and processing. I noticed that I was being a bit aggressive with my practice and I was experiencing some anxiety. The funny thing is that I do know better. I know the best way to meditate and process through things in my life are through having compassion and slowing things down. This reminded me of how easy it is to revert back into old patterns and habits. It took a couple of days for me to realize this because I thought that it was a good thing to be so disciplined with my practice. Discipline is one thing, but cracking the whip is quite the other.
So, I had to look at what was coming up for me. What fear was making me want to move through my process fast and become enlightened now? Checking in with my old belief system, I noticed that it was tapping into the one where I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. After recognizing the feelings as anxiety and identifying this old belief, I was able to be with it and eventually let it go.
Sitting with these feelings of anxiety was not easy. I wanted to get busy, call a friend, do anything to distract me from the feelings I was having. But I made myself stay and feel them, and they did pass. It’s so important to realize how automatic our old beliefs slip back in, and how, if we are asleep, we may not even recognize how unconscious we were.
This is why it is so important to slow things down and pay attention; pay attention to what we are feeling, how we are behaving, and how fast we are moving. Throughout the day, stop yourself and pause and take 3 big, deep breaths, and be still. Then go about your day. Do this many times to connect with yourself and slow things down.
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by Debra | Apr 7, 2014
We hear it in books, see it on affirmations, and our teacher’s tell us all the time, breathe and be in the present moment. It seems so easy when it is said, but just try it. Bring your thoughts, your mind back to what you are doing for just 5 minutes. It’s amazing how many times you will have to bring it back. Our thoughts are running rampant through our childhood wounding, through our old belief system and then toward what action we should or shouldn’t take. Or we have the random thoughts intertwined like; what we are going to cook for dinner, did the mail come, is it going to rain this weekend, did I pay my phone bill and ouch, I think I just pulled a muscle. It seems like a billion thoughts run across our minds like tiny little ants on a mission.
Often we seem to have difficulties being right where we are in the present moment. We are either in the past or in the future. If we are in the past, it could bring a yearning for what we no longer have or guilt for what we have done. If we live in the future, we will be trying to get something we want that we don’t have or depressed about someone or something we may never have. Either way it creates suffering. When we’re at work, we can’t wait for the weekend; on Sunday we are anxious because we have to return to work. We obsess about things in the past and fret about what may or may not happen in our future. Our thoughts control our daily lives, leaving us in the company of our unconscious suffering minds.
Our thoughts are what cause our suffering. If we can manage our thought, our unconscious mind, our suffering could be minimized.
How do we manage our thoughts?
1. Watch them.
First, bring your attention to the thoughts. Just check in and see how active your mind is. For just one day, pay attention to all of your thoughts and do nothing about them; just watch them go by. You might be pretty shocked, I know I was. At first I was actually embarrassed at how silly they seemed to be and how many there was.
2. Don’t judge them.
When I first started watching my thoughts, I was amused at how out of control my thoughts seemed to be. There was never a quiet moment where I could just be. What we want to do is just observe our thoughts and not judge them. They are just thoughts, nothing more. When we judge them, we give them the power to control us.
3. See if they are creating suffering.
If we act like our thoughts are real, judge them, or act on them, this is what creates suffering. If we don’t give our thoughts any meaning, they come and go and are merely nothing but thoughts. A friend told me of a friend of her’s that just got diagnosed with cancer. My mind went to,”Oh my, maybe I’m going to get cancer! My mom had cancer at 43 years old.” I then start to worry. Do you see where my thoughts just took me? I might die of cancer. The reality is, cancer might be in my future and worrying about isn’t going to prevent that and it also might not.
4. Bring your mind back to the present.
When your mind goes running off the road, just say “thinking” and bring it back to what you are doing. Realize it’s just a thought and bring it back to the present moment. This isn’t easy, by the way. We have lived a very long time in our fantasies and delusions of our minds. Be careful about hanging out in your mind; you might be in enemy territory. When we buy into our thoughts we may be sabotaging our life.
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by Debra | Apr 1, 2014
How do we stay out of the drama of life and take that drama and move into a place of higher conscious learning? First what is drama? Drama is conceived through getting wrapped up in a situation that happens instead of looking at why it is happening. Let’s say someone treats me with disrespect. If I lament about the situation and say things like, “I can’t believe she did that to me, she is such a nut job, what is wrong with her, she must be crazy,” or I keep the thoughts circling in my head, I am stuck in the drama of the situation. If I am stuck in the drama, I miss the higher learning.
The higher learning looks more like looking at what you have to learn from it, your wound around it and your old belief system attached to it. Maybe when you were younger your family didn’t respect your rights and therefore when it happens in your adult life, it triggers you. Then you proceed to do your work around healing that wound and not buying into the old belief system. This opportunity will be completely lost if you stay in the drama of the event.
Tips To Stay Out Of The Drama
1. Recognize your triggers. Anytime you are not at peace, you are triggered.
2. Step out of the trigger and connect it to your wound as a child.
3. Look at your old belief around the wound.
4. Don’t buy into the old belief, know it’s a lie.
5. Create a new belief and sink into it’s truth.
It is going to be impossible to create happiness and peace if you are not aware of your childhood wounds, your old beliefs, and how they make you react to certain situations. They key is getting to know yourself in a much deeper way. Look at how your life is showing up for you and you can get a good picture of how strong your old beliefs are. They only way to shift an old belief is to know where it came from and not to buy into it.
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by Debra | Feb 22, 2014
What does living a conscious life mean exactly?
It means not sleeping on the job! It mean being awake! Going through your day with awareness, not being on autopilot. The majority of people on this planet are sleep walking and don’t know it. They get up in the morning, drag themselves to the coffee machine, take a shower, go to work, work, come home, fix dinner, watch a little TV, go to bed exhausted. Get up a repeat the same mundane experience over and over.
I try to live my life as consciously as possible by staying awake to what is going on in my day. I get up in the morning and greet my day and either hike in nature or sit and at least get a 5 minute meditation in. When I hike I go to a certain point on the hike and say my gratitudes and intentions for the day. This really sets the tone for paying attention to how my day unfolds. Meditation does the same thing. It grounds me in walking through my day awake. When I get to my office, down the hall, I look at my day and see what it has in store for me and how I might be able to affect the people in my day positively. Now, sometimes during the day I find myself going on autopilot, it’s natural, although I try to wake myself as soon as possible.
Another thing that happens to get in my way of living consciously is all the stimulation the world has to offer. My phone, emails, internet, my mind, everyday daily activities. It’s important to bring ourselves back to the present and look at what is important to us. It’s a daily practice to look at how you want to live your life and take the action to do it.
A few questions to ask yourself would be:
1. Are you on Autopilot?
2. Are you doing what you love in your career?
3. Are you spending quality time with the ones you love?
4. Are you overweight and eating for comfort or out of habit?
5. Are you bored with your life?
6. Are you walking through your life not knowing what you want out of it?
7. Are you stuck in the drama of your life instead of the learning?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to WAKE UP!
I heard a great story about a man who knocks on his son’s door. “Jamie,” he says, “wake up!” Jamie answers, ” I don’t want to get up, Papa.” The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.” Jamie says “I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” ask the father. “Three reasons,” says Jamie. “First, because it’s so dull; second the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.” And the father says, “Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First because it’s your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster,” Wake up, wake up! You’ve grown up. Your to big to be asleep.
It’s time to wake up, your to old to be asleep. if you need help waking up, looking at your life and how it’s not working for you, let’s talk about how you can be more conscious and live your life with more passion and zest.
Many of us have the belief that we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us. This old belief could come from growing up in a family where no matter what you did, it was wrong, or someone was trying to fix you instead of addressing the issues going on in the family unit.
