by Debra | Jan 17, 2015
It’s been said that love blinds people. It creates intoxicating feelings of attraction, and for someone with low self-esteem, this blinding effect can have devastating results. Being in abusive relationships can completely play havoc or destroy a person’s life.
Usually abusive relationships start in the early years of dating as a teen and then the abuse escalates into domestic violence as we age. In the beginning of a relationship the behavior may seem fairly minor. As the relationship goes on, it becomes worse.
Are you in an Abusive Relationship?
Does your partner:
- Have serious issues controlling his or her temper?
- Blame you for things that are not your fault?
- Threaten suicide or self-harm if you were to end the relationship?
- Punch walls or break things in anger?
- “Playfully” slap, push or wrestle in a way that seems abnormal?
- Yell, curse or otherwise verbally abuse when angry?
- Attempt to force you into situations or activities that you aren’t comfortable with, sexual or otherwise?
- Hit, punch, slap or otherwise physically assault you in anger?
- Refuse to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes?
- Act controlling or jealous over other things that take up your time, including work, hobbies and other friendships?
When Should you get help?
All of the above are signs of an abusive relationship. Some should be taken more seriously than others. It’s possible for a partner in a healthy relationship to raise his or her voice, occasionally get jealous or make some other mistake. If you see one of these minor red flags, you shouldn’t necessarily end the relationship, but you should have a talk with your partner about it.
If things escalate, it’s time to get help. I find that most people in abusive relationship defend their partners actions and are blind to the dysfunction of the relationship. If your friends and family keep telling you to get out of the relationship because he/she is abusive, it probably is. If you have even an inkling that your partner might be abusive, go talk to an expert.
by Debra | Dec 31, 2014
Happy New Year Everyone, what an amazing year it has been for growth for myself and for my clients. When I look back it seems as though everything has been in hyper-drive. We live in a world where stimulation runs rampant. The day to day stuff can absorb us and leave us feeling disconnected and totally alone, if we let it.
It is so important to take many moments throughout the day to pause, reflect and connect with ourself and our higher power. It is very hard to be in the present moment in life and show up for ourselves and others in fast lane. If we are just running through are daily chores we will easily lose sight of our purpose here. I don’t believe our purpose is to work our asses off to retire and die! We all want to feel connected to each other and ourselves. We just aren’t going to get there by running around like we are chickens with our heads chopped off.
Stop, pause, look into your partners or children’s eyes and really see them. See their pain and suffering and see their joy. Stop and pause and look into your own eyes and self reflect. How are you feeling? Connect with that feeling. Slow down and smell the roses as they say. Sometimes we are moving so fast that we don’t even see the people next to us or feel our own feelings.
Next time you are at the grocery store really look at your cashier, look her in the eyes and ask her how she is. Connect with her, like she is important. Spend the next 24 hours connecting some way with each person you come in contact with. See how this feels for you.
Someone asked me yesterday if I was going to make a new years resolution and I said “no.” I said no because it seems silly to once a year set a goal that’s important to me. In my daily practice I bring my attention into what I want to create in my life daily. I have daily resolutions. My daily resolution is to be more present in my life and with the people in it, in every moment. To live my life like I might not be here tomorrow. Because quite frankly I might not be. Sometimes I’m really successful and other times I fall on my face. But I am always bringing my awareness back to the present moment.
Let’s wake up and start living our life like we might die tomorrow because guess what? YOU might!
by Debra | Dec 2, 2014
“She is so vain.”
“He is such an idiot.”
“My boss is completely out of touch with reality.”
Every time we put our attention to what is happening out there, we miss what is going on inside of ourselves. Slamming others is a great way to avoid our feelings. If we talk about or think about the other person’s actions, we will never look at how we feel so that we can get in touch with what is REALLY going on.
The only reason to slam others is to avoid feeling our feelings. Period!
Say your boss does something that triggers you. Then you go to a co-worker and talk about how he is such a moron and how if he would just stop acting that way you would really enjoy your job. Not only does this negative self-talk expand your lower- self ego but you also miss the learning of the trigger.
The truth is that people act inappropriately every minute of everyday. But we can choose to direct our attention to the actual situation or instead to the learning in the situation. Putting our attention on the actual situation only supports our old beliefs, ego, and lower self and consequently makes us suffer. Bringing the attention into our self creates new beliefs, heals old wounds, and helps us live a more peaceful life. Our choice!
When we get triggered, if we make the choice to go inwards and look at what is really going on with us, we get a completely different storyline. Instead of “our boss is a moron”, we might see that his actions tapped into a part of ourself that feels inadequate and stupid. We might feel less than, not good enough, maybe scared of losing our job, etc. Now we have something to work with! If we allow ourself to feel our feelings around the incident, we can work through our old belief and strengthen a new belief that we are good enough and that our boss’s actions had nothing to do with us.
Every trigger is an opportunity to go inward, look at our feelings, and see what old belief is attached to the feeling, and then not buy into it. When we do this, we begin to heal our childhood wounding, create new empowering beliefs, and live a more blissful life.
Are you ready to make the shift?
Blaming others is a natural behavior for most people. Holding yourself accountable and owning your feelings is a lot more difficult, but the rewards are huge! When we blame others, we remain powerless and victims. When we own our own feelings about situations, we can then and only then make good choices for ourself and become truly empowered.
by Debra | Nov 17, 2014
Acting on our fear. What are the consequences?
“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
I love this Quote from Pema Chödrön. A client sent it to me because it resonated with her so deeply. Understanding our old beliefs is great, but the most important part of overcoming and shifting our fear is not doing what it says.
The fear shows up when we are operating out of our lower self (limited belief system.) Maybe something happens at work and someone gets the promotion that we thought we deserve. Fear comes up because our belief system might be saying, “We aren’t good enough; we are never going to get a promotion; we are never going to make enough money and we might starve to death and die.” That’s very dramatic! Our little girl’s fears are very dramatic and intense.
The action you might want to take is to storm into your manager’s office and give him a piece of your mind. This is where you get to make a decision for yourself that is either strengthening your old belief and buying into the fear or not taking the action your lower self/little girl is pushing you to take. When we don’t take the action, the old belief causing the fear has no power.
When you get triggered and fear comes up, stop and pause and go inward and look at what the fear is saying and the action it wants you to take, and don’t listen to it no matter what!
Feed the fire you want to keep burning!
by Debra | Nov 7, 2014
Why are primary relationship so good for our learning?
Have you ever wondered why you are with a partner when they trigger you so much? Have you sometimes thought that if you could just find another man that was different, then you would be happier?
I hear this all the time when mentoring both men and women. Let’s explore why you are with your partner and why he/she is actually perfect for you and your learning. We always draw exactly what we need into our lives for us to shift our old beliefs and heal. It is not a coincidence that our partner triggers us.
Triggers are good.
They help you shift the way your Inner child, Ego, and Lower self believes. If you have an old belief that you aren’t important, you may be with a partner that doesn’t listen to you, dismisses what you say, or acts like he doesn’t want to spend time with you. These behaviors will send your little girl into orbit. Most people will get upset with their partner for acting this way, blame them for their actions, then plan their escape. They might say to their friends, “I’m so tired of my husband. He doesn’t care about me. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this.”
If you realized that triggers are good and that they will help you expand and grow, you would say, “Great, this is just an opportunity for me to heal my wounds, grow, and get closer to myself, my higher power, and my partner.”
Every time you blame someone or something for your trigger, you expand the old belief, like I’m not important, instead of shift it. You need to explore your feelings around the trigger and realize that your partner’s actions have nothing to do with you being important or not. YOU already had that belief inside of you! Your importance comes from you, not your partner.
Being in partnership is the best tool we have to heal and shift our old belief systems. Think about how often your husband or wife has triggered you. Every trigger is an opportunity to practice and shift an old belief. Understand that these feelings come from inside of you, not outside. The more you practice and understand that these feelings come from inside of you not outside, the more you expand the new belief, which is “I am important no matter what others do or say, my importance doesn’t come from them.”
It is easy to not get triggered when we are alone. It’s not so easy when we are in a primary relationship. Triggers are good. It’s how we learn about ourselves and grow.
by Debra | Oct 21, 2014
What do you do when you are suffering from either emotional or physical pain? Most people run like hell toward their medicators to distract themselves so they don’t have to deal with the feelings. First, let’s look at all the many medicators out there that we use to try to avoid our emotional and physical pain.
Things I might consume from the outside to change how I feel on the inside:
sugar, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, food, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, chocolate, gum, candy, soda…
Example of things I might do on the outside to change how I feel on the inside:
shop, gamble, work, sex, relationships, binge, purge, restrict, affairs, care take, rescue, enable, fix, worry, spend, religion, music, T.V., movies, computer, internet, exercise, blame, focus on others, criticize, judge, gossip, rage, depression, lecture, manipulate, control, keep secrets, thinking, keep busy, focus on negative, perfectionism, sleep, smoke, take things personally, bite nails, chew on objects, self harm, harm others, isolate, withdraw, shut down, argue, fantasize, sarcasm
Do you relate to any of these? I bet you didn’t even realize that you, too, run from your pain toward these medicators. When we are lonely, frustrated, angry, sad, hopeless, anxious, etc., we don’t like how it feels, so we do whatever we can to avoid feeling this way.
Your boyfriend breaks up with you and you are devastated; feelings of utter sadness, loneliness, and abandonment flood through you. What is your next move? People will often jump right into another relationship so they don’t have to feel like they aren’t good enough and the sadness that goes along with that. Unfortunately, stuffing those feelings and medicating just makes them bigger and they re-emerge again another time in a different situation.
Why is it so hard for us to be with our pain? What if we just sit with it until it dissipates? Even if we have do this many times a day, just be with the pain and feel it. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist author, talks about being with the pain and suffering and really experiencing it. What does it feel like in your body, what is its shape, color, etc. ? Analyze it! Look at what old belief is up that is causing this pain. If it’s physical pain, be with it, lean into it, and see what happens.
Running from our pain expands our old belief system and only perpetuates the pain. It may go away in that instance but it will return again with a vengeance! Look at the ways you run from those uncomfortable feelings and see what medicators you use. Try sitting with the feelings and explore them; embrace them and make friends with them.
by Debra | Oct 2, 2014
Many of us have the belief that we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us. This old belief could come from growing up in a family where no matter what you did, it was wrong, or someone was trying to fix you instead of addressing the issues going on in the family unit.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and a very reclusive mother. I was a very anxious child that didn’t do well in school and had a hard time sleeping. My parents were always trying to fix me or drug me to make me better, instead of dealing with the issues that were causing the problems.
I have an old belief that something is wrong with me, or I’m always doing something wrong. If anyone challenges my opinion or what I am doing, I notice my little girl getting triggered. If I didn’t realize it was my little girl’s wounding, I might defend myself and get upset, instead of just let my little girl know I understand why she is triggered, and I’m just not going to buy into that something is wrong with me; it’s just not the truth.
When you start working with yourself and challenging yourself to see clearly where your actual triggers are stemming from, it may seem like all your beliefs come up at once. You may tend to get discouraged or feel overwhelmed initially. All that is required at that point is to recognize that the thoughts in your head are only your little girl’s voice. It’s not actually who you are. Your higher self is always watching the drama occur and is always able to step in at any moment and be the parent. Normally just saying, “I’m triggered,” sets the higher self into play.
If you want to shift this belief, you have to take the action to not defend your position that you are wrong. If you defend it you are buying into that in fact you were wrong. A simple “I can see how you would feel that way” is all that is needed. What others think and do has nothing to do with you.
Just remember that as long as you continue to work with yourself, the idea that you are doing something wrong may arise, but it’s simply not true. In fact, what you are doing is perfectly right.
![Getting Comfortable with Uncertainty!]()
by Debra | Sep 9, 2014
The word “uncertainty” tends to give us the “heebie-geebies.” We tend to avoid any situation where we are uncomfortable and feel uncertain about the outcome of things. It’s far easier to stay comfortable and to know exactly how our day is going to look, what we are going to eat for the rest of the day, that our meetings will go according to plan, that our children will respect our every word, and our partners will go out of their way to tell us they love us and clean the house. What a lovely predictable life!
Life, however, doesn’t have a routine geared toward comfort and certainty.
We never know what we may be handed at any moment. We could wake up to find that the dog pooped on the floor, the kids are sick, we just got laid off work, and our mom decided to spontaneously visit. A strong Buddhist teaching is getting comfortable with uncertainty which means opening ourselves up to any situation as an opportunity to learn, to allow our little girl/boy to grow. We tend to become restricted and closed off when something is suddenly not what we expected or not going our way.
Real personal strength is not avoiding or trying to fix the circumstances that arise, but rather opening yourself up to them with curiosity. Being willing to see and explore the things that seem to bring you discomfort is where you develop your power. Discomforts are actually life’s way of cleverly disguising opportunities for your growth. Lean into the situation rather than pulling back or reacting. Ask questions rather than pointing the finger. Everything is always shifting and changing in our lives. The more we try to maintain control, the more neurotic we become. If we allow ourselves the opportunity to check in with ourselves when we feel uncomfortable and ask, what’s really going on here, what beliefs am I holding onto that are making me feel so fearful and agitated, then our whole perspective can shift. We become hyper- aware of our own personal responsibility to empower ourselves.
Being uncomfortable starts to take on a whole new meaning in our lives. We start to celebrate uncertainty as we would a dear friend sharing a new perspective or a great teacher creating the space for transformation to take place. Our little girl or boy will slowly stop throwing tantrums or start crying when these situations come up. We will begin to relax and realize we are in one giant classroom called “our lives.” Nothing ever goes away until we have learned the lessons we are required to know.
![Getting Comfortable with Uncertainty!]()
by Debra | Aug 27, 2014
To dramatically shift our beliefs requires taking the action that is the exact opposite of what our inner child tells us to do. That right action can be seen as our “higher self” telling our little girl/boy that she/he is not going to buy into the childhood wound and old limiting belief. Then, we must not do what our inner child is suggesting. In order to change our belief systems that come from our wounding, we, as the adult must take direct action.
An example of this may be, your partner does something that triggers you and you think, “I can’t handle this, I’m walking out.” This is the advice of your inner child. Now, you can listen to that voice and walk out, and the consequences would be no resolution, no healing, and no connection with yourself or your higher power.
When we are triggered, we tend to feel a reaction in our body. Our chest tightens, tears come to our eyes, our jaws may clench. Whatever the reaction, if we don’t deal with the trigger, the wounding stays in our body and actually reinforces our old belief systems.
For example, if my partner starts telling me a story and I’m triggered in the middle of it, I need to speak my truth right there in the moment. If the person is familiar with you referring to your little girl, then you can say, “Sorry for interrupting but my little girl is triggered. She thinks there is something wrong with her and actually I know that’s not the truth. The truth is there is nothing wrong with her and she is safe.” If the person isn’t familiar with the work you are doing, address it right there in your head and speak your truth to yourself.
Do not wait!
Waiting only creates stronger belief systems and reinforces the little girl’s behavior. Your little girl might think interrupting is rude and remain quiet because she doesn’t think she has rights. If you don’t say anything in the moment, you won’t be able to be present to the person anyway.
As you continue to take the right action and speak your truth, you become more and more honest with yourself and honest with others. You will notice that your beliefs will dramatically shift, and your life will open in a whole new way.
by Debra | Aug 15, 2014
How do we release ourselves and grow from our experiences of suffering rather than become more constricted?
- Start to view suffering as an opportunity for your inner child to grow up. The experiences of life are an opportunity to become empowered, conscious, and a more compassionate person. We can begin to train our minds to see “difficult” situations as a friend and our greatest teacher. It is an opportunity to shrink the ego and connect to a more authentic you.
- Contemplate on the likeness and oneness of all people. If we are suffering with something in our lives, expand that thinking to the whole world. Others are also suffering with the same or worse experiences. If you find yourself agitated by being sick, think of all the people who might have a similar condition, or even worse. By practicing this type of thinking, we stay open, relax the mind, and soften the ego.
- Be grateful for what you do have. Take a moment to reflect on the things that bring you comfort or joy. Even if it seems superficial or forced at first, just begin. You could try, “Today, I am grateful I can walk, or speak.” It’s important to practice stepping into gratitude.
- Wish for happiness for others. If you find yourself in a situation that brings you suffering or grief, take a moment and make a wish that others suffering from something similar be alleviated. It not only helps you develop more kindness, but it lessens the intensity of your situation.
- Meditate on impermanence. We tend to think of things as constant and secure until they aren’t. By reflecting on the constancy of impermanence, we relax into a higher state of awareness. Then, when difficult situations do arise, as we know they will, we realize that this is the way of life. Life has its ups and it has its downs. Both are equally great!
- Develop an open heart. If we are willing to be kind to ourselves when we are going through a painful situation, our hearts naturally open to others. Having compassion for ourselves is the first place to start for having an open heart toward others.
Healing is not a magic trick. There are no quick fixes. It requires the willingness to look at ourselves honestly and see what is already there, no matter how painful. All of our experiences in life are opportunities for us to learn and connect more deeply with ourselves.
by Debra | Aug 5, 2014
Are you taking responsibility for yourself?
Getting stuck in the drama of our lives means we get wrapped up in a situation and our feelings about it and aren’t able to see what’s happening. An example could be someone at work making a remark and you feel disregarded. You could say, “She is terrible. How could she say that to me? She is ridiculous.” The thoughts and agitation stay in your head and you become trapped by the drama. You can’t let it go, so you miss the learning. Most of all, you completely miss the opportunity of taking action and being responsible for yourself.
If you were to take responsibility for yourself, you would start to question the situation and see what could be learned from it. You would ask yourself what beliefs you are attached to and begin to take responsibility for your trigger. If you don’t take responsibility for the way you are reacting, then you forfeit your power as well as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.
The fact of the matter is, if we really want to start to be happy and at peace with ourselves, we need to become intimately aware of our belief systems and how they are holding us hostage. Growing up takes a great deal of effort at first, and then we begin to feel the truth of who and what we really are as we free ourselves from old beliefs. Our actions and reactions will start to look differently, and what used to trigger us will seem almost laughable.
Absolutely everything in our lives can be used to create spaciousness and joy in us, but it requires us showing up for ourselves and not abandoning our little girl/boy. It requires knowing yourself deeply. The world doesn’t change.
You change, and that’s how you change your world.
by Debra | Jul 7, 2014
When something happens in our life that triggers us, we usually try to keep from feeling the feelings that arose from the trigger. To avoid these feelings, we may medicate ourselves by using alcohol, shopping, TV, working, or exercising, slamming the person who triggered us to friends or reacting or projecting onto someone else. This type of behavior is to get ground under our feet. When we are triggered we get knocked off our center. The problem is how we try to get centered by medicating just doesn’t work.
There are inevitable truths that all human beings experience. We all experience old age, we all get sick, and in the end, we all die. These are constants. They are unavoidable, and we can always count on them. Things happen in life that make us feel secure, and then things happen that pull the rug out from under us.
It’s how we react to these moments that really count. We can fall deep into our inner-child and react by looking for ways to artificially feel better, or we can lean into the feelings around the trigger and feel the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, until it passes. Then track the old beliefs that are behind the emotions, and not buy into them.
If we look closely, we can see that most of our hopes and fears arise from us not wanting to undergo any kind of suffering. We don’t want to feel our sadness, anger, frustration, or hopelessness. However, healing begins when we give ourselves the room to explore all of our feelings and really be with them; then track where they came from, and practice not falling into the old belief systems.
It’s been said that love blinds people. It creates intoxicating feelings of attraction, and for someone with low self-esteem, this blinding effect can have devastating results. Being in abusive relationships can completely play havoc or destroy a person’s life.
