by Debra | Mar 2, 2015
In my last individual retreat, my client was having difficulties with trying to control her partner. She was always trying to get him to say or do something that would make her or the situation better. Even though she understood where the controlling pattern came from in her childhood, she always found herself acting in a controlling way. This behavior made her feel guilty and triggered her partner.
We all have beliefs that we created when we were young because of certain things that happened to us.
My client had grown up in a family where her father was an alcoholic and she never felt safe. Her need to control situations was very strong so that she could create safety in her life. When she started bringing awareness into this wounded part of herself and looking at the old belief that said, “I have to control my environment to be safe,” she was able to stop herself from reacting when she was triggered.
The key to not reacting is to know your wounding, know what old belief is attached to it, and know it is a lie. Then, the most important part is to not buy into it, to not take the action that buys into the old belief being true.
We have no control over our environment at all, no matter how much we want or need to; we can’t manipulate a situation or person.
That little girl, or ego, really believes she can and that controlling will bring safety. That’s the lie!
During the individual retreat, you will get to know yourself really well and know how your ego/little girl operates. You will also learn how to not react during a trigger, and how to take the right action to shift the old belief by creating a new belief through your higher self.
The reason I prefer individual retreats as opposed to group retreats is because the work we do is deep, and people are less inclined to go really deep in front of a crowd. The work in my individual retreats is sustainable. I have participated in many group workshops and retreats and I always feel amazing right after for about a week. Then, life would happen and I would go right back into my old patterns, and there I’d be again.
Everyone that has been through my Intensive individual retreats has made shifts where they can’t fall back into old patterns. Their way of being in the world is different. It’s not just something they learned in a retreat; it’s a shift in who they are. They find they are showing up in the world differently, organically. Even though they have to practice being present and taking the right actions, they naturally do it differently.
by Debra | Feb 23, 2015
It’s amazing to me how more and more couples are truly interested in creating a more intimate, connected relationship with each other. And, it’s not just the women that have an interest in a deeper relationship but men as well. This is what has caused a real couple’s retreat boom over the past few years.
I actually have more than a few men inquiring about retreats for couples. I believe that men are realizing how important their spiritual growth is. I think they are coming to realize the positive effects on their relationship with their partner as well as in other areas of their life.
When we start to shift our limiting beliefs and taking ownership for our behaviors, our life begins to unfold in a more positive manner. When we look outside of ourselves for our happiness instead of going inward and seeing why we feel and act the way we do, we suffer and cause suffering.
The inner child (ego, thoughts, and old beliefs) inside us is always looking outside to “fix” how he/she feels inside. For example:
“If I could just get him to stop doing that, I would feel better.”
“If my boss were more respectful, I would be happier at work.”
“If I had a bigger house, a newer car, more clothes, I’d feel better about myself.” These are all illusions that cause needless suffering, and they are simply not the truth.
Or, sometimes, the inner child takes everything personally. If someone treats her coldly with a lack of respect, she automatically thinks it’s about her and that she did something wrong. The truth is that no matter how people behave toward you, it’s not about you; it’s their wounding.
When I work with couples, I am always working with them on their own wounding. I help them see where they are projecting and what they are taking personally. Let’s say Coleen has a wound from childhood about not being seen or heard from her parents. Her old belief around this could be, “I’m not important, I’m invisible,” or maybe, “I can’t speak my truth and be loved.”
If her partner doesn’t act interested in something she is saying or doing, this will trigger that wound, and she will take the ignoring behavior personally and really believe that she isn’t important, is invisible, and isn’t lovable. This will cause suffering. The truth is that her partner’s behavior had nothing to do with her; it had everything to do with her partner not being able to be present. That is his wounding and issue to deal with, not hers.
What we must learn is to stop looking outside ourselves for our happiness and stop thinking that other people’s behavior has anything to do with us. That is how we won’t get knocked off balance by the neutral events happening in our world.
When I help couples see this, the triggers around their partner stop carrying so much heat, and the process brings them into a more connected, intimate relationship. Isn’t this what every couple truly wants?
Every couple wants a more intimate relationship where they feel connected!
This is exactly why there is a couple’s retreat boom because ultimately, each partner wants to be closer.
by Debra | Feb 16, 2015
At one time or another, we are all looking for an opportunity to get away and connect with ourselves. You might take a relaxing vacation, an intensive retreat, or simple soul retreats to get to know yourself better.
Taking time away from our hectic schedules and the over-stimulated world is a great chance to reboot and go inward. The problems that occur when we continue to move forward at a 100 miles an hour and never stopping to breathe to shut down our minds can be many.
Maybe you just notice you haven’t been yourself lately!
Here are just a few:
- Exhaustion
- Grouchiness
- Health issues
- Snapping at our loved ones
- Loss of concentration
- Poor eating habits
- Loss of sleep
- Not as effective
- Unhappiness
- Depression
- Disconnect from Source
I remember reading about a company that made their employees take a month off each year and it had to be a month straight, not in 3 or 7 day intervals. They believed that people need to shut things down and reboot. Now, not all of us can afford to do this, but we can take some time to go away, relax, rejuvenate and reboot.
Imagine taking 3-5 days away from work, family, outside activities, including working out, just to go inward and explore with ease. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? You would have your own space to be in without any distractions. No TV, no phone, no one at work or home with demands.
The reason we need this is because we never have a moment in our busy lives to shut down. Not even in our dreams do we get a moment of peace. I hear from my clients all the time that they work and take care of their family while dreaming. This is when you know it’s time to get away and spend some much needed time with yourself.
Taking time for soul retreats is a critical part of self-care.
It provides a space to let go of stress and all the obligations of life. A retreat can bring about a transformational life change and renewal. It’s an opportunity to discover your true authentic self and shift old beliefs and patterns. Going on a retreat allows you to reconnect with yourself and makes you feel more alive.
If you are feeling numb, stuck, stressed, or simply want to connect with yourself, a retreats can breathe new life into you or help you find your life purpose.
by Debra | Feb 9, 2015
How can we show up in the world and create an open, loving environment with the ones we love?
If we are living in our fears, aka our little girl, it will be impossible for us to hold space or show up for others. If we are in fear, our little girl needs to” fix” the situation to make herself feel better. If we are trying to fix someone, we won’t be able to hear what they are saying or have empathy for what they are going through.
Others will feel the energy of being “fixed” and will defend their position because they will think they did something wrong. Instead of having the space to figure things out, they will be defending their position. Through spiritual renewal we can start to heal and show up for others.
If we can’t show up for someone from our higher self, it’s best to not show up at all.
When we come into a situation with someone through our fears, we actually add more fuel to the fire. Instead of us helping with their issue, they will be dealing with having to defend against your judgments. It can get really messy for the person trying to process their own stuff. They will start to feel like they did something wrong and maybe start to beat themselves up. It will totally take them away from getting to their original issue.
It’s so important to know what situations trigger us and put us into that fear place. For example, when I go to visit my daughters, I know that I will get triggered. I have learned to bring my awareness into each minute I am there so that I can be aware when I am in a fearful place and be mindful not to project. Sometimes that’s not so easy.
I have clients that have told me that once they stop projecting their fears onto their kids situations that their kids organically started to open up to them and started sharing more than they ever did. Here is an example.
Letting Our Fears Come In:
A daughter is talking to her mom about the college she wants to go to. It is different from the college her mom wants her to go to. When the daughter expresses herself, the mom says, “If you go to that college, you won’t get a good job and it will effect your career.”
Holding Space:
Imagine the same situation but this time the mom says, “I hear that going to this college is important to you. What is it about this school that you like so much? I’m interested to learn more about this school.”
The first scenario is the mother’s projection of her own fear that her daughter won’t end up with a good job and shuts her daughter down. How can the mother know this for certain? The second scenario invites the daughter to share with her mother and opens her up to exploring her own decisions, creating a deeper relationship between them.
Really start paying attention to the way you communicate with your family and friends. Notice if you are holding space for them or allowing your fears into the interaction.
by Debra | Feb 2, 2015
I just concluded a 2½ day intensive Sedona couples retreat. It was such an honor to be in the presence of such dedication and love between two people. The goal in a retreat for couples is to help them gain a better understanding of their own old beliefs that were created through their childhood wounding. Once they become fully aware of their old beliefs, they can begin to see how they operate from their inner child.
We know ourselves! We know each other!
If both people in the relationship understand how they operate from this wounded place and also see how their partner is operating from their inner child, they will begin to be able to show up differently and heal their childhood wounds.
Primary relationships bring up our deepest wounding so that we can change our beliefs around them and start the healing process. If both partners are doing this process, there will be an amazing transformation.
When we operate out of the fear of the wounded child, we actually strengthen the old belief instead of diminish it. When we work with our partner about what triggers us in a healthy, conscious way, we will shift the old, limiting beliefs.
Being in a primary relationship will push us to do our core work. If we don’t do our inner work, our relationship suffers, and so do we. When I assist in couple’s work, the process and healing speeds up.
See what the husband in this relationship said about the retreat:
“I came to this retreat mostly to appease my wife, sister and mother but ended up getting more from it than anyone. The exploration into the understanding as to why I act how I do in life was amazing. The tools I’ve learned to change for the better by shifting my old belief systems are the ones I hope to continue for life.
There are no drawbacks to doing this work. No matter how fine you think your life or way of doing things may be, it is worth looking into your past to see why you are who you are.”
~Dominic Vincent
It is tough to create a harmonious, loving relationship with your primary partner. It is also so rewarding to have such a deep understanding of why you and your partner behave the way you do and be working toward a more conscious, fulfilling partnership.
by Debra | Jan 27, 2015
Are Your Triggers Shutting You Down?
Have you noticed how open and loving you are until you get triggered? What about when a lot of triggers come in a row, what happens then? I hear my clients and friends say, “If they just wouldn’t have done that, I could stay open and love them.”
The problem is that triggers aren’t going to stop. People aren’t going to stop crawling under our skin. The world is never going to become a perfect place to be.
Triggers Are Good! We Learn About Ourselves Through Them!
Every time someone does something that makes our hair stand on end, it’s an opportunity to get to know ourselves better, to really see how we are operating through our little girl/lower self.
The challenge during a trigger is to become hyper-aware of what our little girl is thinking and how she is operating. Pausing and recognizing that our little girl/lower self is activated isn’t at all easy when we are in the heat of an emotional situation. Instead, if we can catch ourselves by noticing what our little girl is saying and not let her jump in and hijack our physical and emotional body, we could shift the outcome. If we can do this, we are less likely to shut down. Just recognizing that our little girl is activated is half the battle. The other part is not to do what she says and let her know that the old belief she is hooked into is just an old belief, nothing more.
Staying open to people is very challenging and pretty impossible if you aren’t doing some self-examination. Without really looking at ourselves, we will be in reaction mode, operating from the lower self, and when our little girl gets her feelings hurt, she can shut down, throw a fit, and go deeper into her story to try and make herself feel better. None of these behaviors promotes an open and loving environment.
When you get triggered, realize it’s your lower self/little girl and stop her from reacting. Go inside and take a good look at what the real truth of the situation is, not her delusional story.
by Debra | Jan 17, 2015
It’s been said that love blinds people. It creates intoxicating feelings of attraction, and for someone with low self-esteem, this blinding effect can have devastating results. Being in abusive relationships can completely play havoc or destroy a person’s life.
Usually abusive relationships start in the early years of dating as a teen and then the abuse escalates into domestic violence as we age. In the beginning of a relationship the behavior may seem fairly minor. As the relationship goes on, it becomes worse.
Are you in an Abusive Relationship?
Does your partner:
- Have serious issues controlling his or her temper?
- Blame you for things that are not your fault?
- Threaten suicide or self-harm if you were to end the relationship?
- Punch walls or break things in anger?
- “Playfully” slap, push or wrestle in a way that seems abnormal?
- Yell, curse or otherwise verbally abuse when angry?
- Attempt to force you into situations or activities that you aren’t comfortable with, sexual or otherwise?
- Hit, punch, slap or otherwise physically assault you in anger?
- Refuse to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes?
- Act controlling or jealous over other things that take up your time, including work, hobbies and other friendships?
When Should you get help?
All of the above are signs of an abusive relationship. Some should be taken more seriously than others. It’s possible for a partner in a healthy relationship to raise his or her voice, occasionally get jealous or make some other mistake. If you see one of these minor red flags, you shouldn’t necessarily end the relationship, but you should have a talk with your partner about it.
If things escalate, it’s time to get help. I find that most people in abusive relationship defend their partners actions and are blind to the dysfunction of the relationship. If your friends and family keep telling you to get out of the relationship because he/she is abusive, it probably is. If you have even an inkling that your partner might be abusive, go talk to an expert.
by Debra | Dec 31, 2014
Happy New Year Everyone, what an amazing year it has been for growth for myself and for my clients. When I look back it seems as though everything has been in hyper-drive. We live in a world where stimulation runs rampant. The day to day stuff can absorb us and leave us feeling disconnected and totally alone, if we let it.
It is so important to take many moments throughout the day to pause, reflect and connect with ourself and our higher power. It is very hard to be in the present moment in life and show up for ourselves and others in fast lane. If we are just running through are daily chores we will easily lose sight of our purpose here. I don’t believe our purpose is to work our asses off to retire and die! We all want to feel connected to each other and ourselves. We just aren’t going to get there by running around like we are chickens with our heads chopped off.
Stop, pause, look into your partners or children’s eyes and really see them. See their pain and suffering and see their joy. Stop and pause and look into your own eyes and self reflect. How are you feeling? Connect with that feeling. Slow down and smell the roses as they say. Sometimes we are moving so fast that we don’t even see the people next to us or feel our own feelings.
Next time you are at the grocery store really look at your cashier, look her in the eyes and ask her how she is. Connect with her, like she is important. Spend the next 24 hours connecting some way with each person you come in contact with. See how this feels for you.
Someone asked me yesterday if I was going to make a new years resolution and I said “no.” I said no because it seems silly to once a year set a goal that’s important to me. In my daily practice I bring my attention into what I want to create in my life daily. I have daily resolutions. My daily resolution is to be more present in my life and with the people in it, in every moment. To live my life like I might not be here tomorrow. Because quite frankly I might not be. Sometimes I’m really successful and other times I fall on my face. But I am always bringing my awareness back to the present moment.
Let’s wake up and start living our life like we might die tomorrow because guess what? YOU might!
by Debra | Dec 2, 2014
“She is so vain.”
“He is such an idiot.”
“My boss is completely out of touch with reality.”
Every time we put our attention to what is happening out there, we miss what is going on inside of ourselves. Slamming others is a great way to avoid our feelings. If we talk about or think about the other person’s actions, we will never look at how we feel so that we can get in touch with what is REALLY going on.
The only reason to slam others is to avoid feeling our feelings. Period!
Say your boss does something that triggers you. Then you go to a co-worker and talk about how he is such a moron and how if he would just stop acting that way you would really enjoy your job. Not only does this negative self-talk expand your lower- self ego but you also miss the learning of the trigger.
The truth is that people act inappropriately every minute of everyday. But we can choose to direct our attention to the actual situation or instead to the learning in the situation. Putting our attention on the actual situation only supports our old beliefs, ego, and lower self and consequently makes us suffer. Bringing the attention into our self creates new beliefs, heals old wounds, and helps us live a more peaceful life. Our choice!
When we get triggered, if we make the choice to go inwards and look at what is really going on with us, we get a completely different storyline. Instead of “our boss is a moron”, we might see that his actions tapped into a part of ourself that feels inadequate and stupid. We might feel less than, not good enough, maybe scared of losing our job, etc. Now we have something to work with! If we allow ourself to feel our feelings around the incident, we can work through our old belief and strengthen a new belief that we are good enough and that our boss’s actions had nothing to do with us.
Every trigger is an opportunity to go inward, look at our feelings, and see what old belief is attached to the feeling, and then not buy into it. When we do this, we begin to heal our childhood wounding, create new empowering beliefs, and live a more blissful life.
Are you ready to make the shift?
Blaming others is a natural behavior for most people. Holding yourself accountable and owning your feelings is a lot more difficult, but the rewards are huge! When we blame others, we remain powerless and victims. When we own our own feelings about situations, we can then and only then make good choices for ourself and become truly empowered.
by Debra | Nov 17, 2014
Acting on our fear. What are the consequences?
“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
I love this Quote from Pema Chödrön. A client sent it to me because it resonated with her so deeply. Understanding our old beliefs is great, but the most important part of overcoming and shifting our fear is not doing what it says.
The fear shows up when we are operating out of our lower self (limited belief system.) Maybe something happens at work and someone gets the promotion that we thought we deserve. Fear comes up because our belief system might be saying, “We aren’t good enough; we are never going to get a promotion; we are never going to make enough money and we might starve to death and die.” That’s very dramatic! Our little girl’s fears are very dramatic and intense.
The action you might want to take is to storm into your manager’s office and give him a piece of your mind. This is where you get to make a decision for yourself that is either strengthening your old belief and buying into the fear or not taking the action your lower self/little girl is pushing you to take. When we don’t take the action, the old belief causing the fear has no power.
When you get triggered and fear comes up, stop and pause and go inward and look at what the fear is saying and the action it wants you to take, and don’t listen to it no matter what!
Feed the fire you want to keep burning!
by Debra | Nov 7, 2014
Why are primary relationship so good for our learning?
Have you ever wondered why you are with a partner when they trigger you so much? Have you sometimes thought that if you could just find another man that was different, then you would be happier?
I hear this all the time when mentoring both men and women. Let’s explore why you are with your partner and why he/she is actually perfect for you and your learning. We always draw exactly what we need into our lives for us to shift our old beliefs and heal. It is not a coincidence that our partner triggers us.
Triggers are good.
They help you shift the way your Inner child, Ego, and Lower self believes. If you have an old belief that you aren’t important, you may be with a partner that doesn’t listen to you, dismisses what you say, or acts like he doesn’t want to spend time with you. These behaviors will send your little girl into orbit. Most people will get upset with their partner for acting this way, blame them for their actions, then plan their escape. They might say to their friends, “I’m so tired of my husband. He doesn’t care about me. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this.”
If you realized that triggers are good and that they will help you expand and grow, you would say, “Great, this is just an opportunity for me to heal my wounds, grow, and get closer to myself, my higher power, and my partner.”
Every time you blame someone or something for your trigger, you expand the old belief, like I’m not important, instead of shift it. You need to explore your feelings around the trigger and realize that your partner’s actions have nothing to do with you being important or not. YOU already had that belief inside of you! Your importance comes from you, not your partner.
Being in partnership is the best tool we have to heal and shift our old belief systems. Think about how often your husband or wife has triggered you. Every trigger is an opportunity to practice and shift an old belief. Understand that these feelings come from inside of you, not outside. The more you practice and understand that these feelings come from inside of you not outside, the more you expand the new belief, which is “I am important no matter what others do or say, my importance doesn’t come from them.”
It is easy to not get triggered when we are alone. It’s not so easy when we are in a primary relationship. Triggers are good. It’s how we learn about ourselves and grow.
by Debra | Oct 21, 2014
What do you do when you are suffering from either emotional or physical pain? Most people run like hell toward their medicators to distract themselves so they don’t have to deal with the feelings. First, let’s look at all the many medicators out there that we use to try to avoid our emotional and physical pain.
Things I might consume from the outside to change how I feel on the inside:
sugar, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, food, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, chocolate, gum, candy, soda…
Example of things I might do on the outside to change how I feel on the inside:
shop, gamble, work, sex, relationships, binge, purge, restrict, affairs, care take, rescue, enable, fix, worry, spend, religion, music, T.V., movies, computer, internet, exercise, blame, focus on others, criticize, judge, gossip, rage, depression, lecture, manipulate, control, keep secrets, thinking, keep busy, focus on negative, perfectionism, sleep, smoke, take things personally, bite nails, chew on objects, self harm, harm others, isolate, withdraw, shut down, argue, fantasize, sarcasm
Do you relate to any of these? I bet you didn’t even realize that you, too, run from your pain toward these medicators. When we are lonely, frustrated, angry, sad, hopeless, anxious, etc., we don’t like how it feels, so we do whatever we can to avoid feeling this way.
Your boyfriend breaks up with you and you are devastated; feelings of utter sadness, loneliness, and abandonment flood through you. What is your next move? People will often jump right into another relationship so they don’t have to feel like they aren’t good enough and the sadness that goes along with that. Unfortunately, stuffing those feelings and medicating just makes them bigger and they re-emerge again another time in a different situation.
Why is it so hard for us to be with our pain? What if we just sit with it until it dissipates? Even if we have do this many times a day, just be with the pain and feel it. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist author, talks about being with the pain and suffering and really experiencing it. What does it feel like in your body, what is its shape, color, etc. ? Analyze it! Look at what old belief is up that is causing this pain. If it’s physical pain, be with it, lean into it, and see what happens.
Running from our pain expands our old belief system and only perpetuates the pain. It may go away in that instance but it will return again with a vengeance! Look at the ways you run from those uncomfortable feelings and see what medicators you use. Try sitting with the feelings and explore them; embrace them and make friends with them.
In my last individual retreat, my client was having difficulties with trying to control her partner. She was always trying to get him to say or do something that would make her or the situation better. Even though she understood where the controlling pattern came from in her childhood, she always found herself acting in a controlling way. This behavior made her feel guilty and triggered her partner.
