by Debra | Aug 22, 2016
Do you shoot Arrows at Your Partner? Learn how not to in a couple’s retreat.
Blaming our partners for how we feel leaves us without power. We give up our power when we say things like, “You did this to me.” When we put the blame on others, we give them control of how we feel. We cannot change how we feel because to feel better, we need them to change. This is a very powerless place to be.
Blaming leaves us in “victimhood” and victimhood leaves us powerless!
It’s the same thing with judging others. Judging, blaming or making someone else wrong is like shooting arrows at someone else. The problem is, the arrow always comes back to us and does harm. Anytime we throw anger, resentment, or judgment onto someone else, we are actually throwing in onto ourselves. Because we are all One, anytime we do harm to others, we do harm to ourselves.
It’s so important to observe our behavior when we are triggered. Our triggers are a personal barometer that shows us exactly where we need healing. If we react from that place of being triggered, we miss the opportunity for growth and healing and we do more damage to others and ourselves.
Our partners or family members are our best teachers because they are the ones who trigger us most, right? So whenever you are around them, observe how you want to react to these triggers. But keep your heart open so you can stay in a place of love/higher self, not your lower self.
One nice thing about our partnerships is that we can get a lot of practice living in our higher self. If you act out of the lower self, just clean up your mess and keep doing your best everyday. Remember, we are human, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, realize why you acted from the lower self and apologize. It’s the defensive behavior that keeps us in the drama and prevents healing of old wounding.
Things you can do to act out of your higher self instead of being trapped in your lower self:
- If you’re triggered, pause.
- Bring awareness to your behavior.
- No matter how you feel, don’t act it out.
- Do a morning and evening meditation to see things differently.
- Set up alarms on your phone to remind you to stay in the present.
- Clean up your mess when and if you do act out of your lower self.
- Find a spiritual teacher to help you identify your needs for improvement.
by Debra | Aug 15, 2016
Why is Living in the Present Moment so Important?
When we are living in the past, we may feel regretful, guilty or we may feel sad. All of these thoughts and feelings bring us suffering. When we live in the future, it may also cause suffering because we are trying to achieve something or get something we don’t have right now. Either way, suffering is going to happen. We can learn from our past, but dwelling on it keeps us in the past and prevents us from learning a lessons.
The only way to truly feel alive is by being in the present moment. We may still suffer because of the story we are telling our self, but it will be easier to bring our self back into alignment through letting go of the story and just being with the feelings.
In a women’s retreat you will learn how the story from your past creates suffering and how to let go of the story to pave a more harmonious path into the future, no matter what is has to offer. You will also learn the importance of living in the here and now and how being fully present will aid in your happiness. Now being fully present may not be possible, but we can walk through our day in mindful meditation, that will show us where are minds are at, at any given moment.
Most of us live primarily in our heads and completely miss this amazing life we are living, along with the important lessons that go with it. For a moment, think about all the beautiful things you can experience in this world on a daily basis. The beautiful sky, the smell of rain, a hummingbird nesting babies, your cat curled up in a tiny ball, a bunch of flowers on your hike, or your child’s expression. When I go into this space of remembering the now, it blows me away. I get blow away not just because of the beauty but the way I feel in the presence of the moment.
It is only in the present moment that we experience being alive.
Life in all of its beauty and fullness is happening in the moment. When the ego mind is active and our thoughts are somewhere else, it’s impossible to experience the here and now fully. Our actual life isn’t experienced completely unless our entire mind and body are present. When our ego mind is chatting away like a crazy person it prevents us from experiencing our life in all of its glory. Even if the moment isn’t comfortable, it’s better to be with the uncomfortable moment fully.
“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.”
― Catherynne M. Valente
by Debra | Aug 8, 2016
Is a Sedona Bed and Breakfast right for you?
There are so many places to stay in this sacred place called Sedona Arizona. I guess it just depends on what you are looking for exactly. Is it a resort feel? Do you like staying in a room in someone’s home? Is it a Best Western or another hotel chain? Is it a bed and breakfast, where you are communing with other guests and the Innkeeper? There is an alternative! What if it was an Inn, with your own private area with a kitchen, bedroom, private Jacuzzi, 2 outdoor patios in a beautiful, lush garden and parking right next to your room?
Me personally, I love staying in quaint places with a kitchen because I love the privacy and I don’t like eating every meal out. I enjoy getting up in the morning, making a cup of coffee and sitting outside with privacy. I might meditate out in the garden before I start my day and then have breakfast out in the patio. My Inn is a place I would love to stay. It’s in the heart of Sedona, in an enchanting environment, where you can walk Uptown. It is a one bedroom with a bathroom and a separate fully stocked kitchen. It has modern furnishings, with 100% Bamboo sheets, queen-size pillow top mattress, with NEW feather top mattress cover. The unit has a bright, clean, feel. The outside patios allow for total relaxation with private jacuzzi, and breakfast patio and beautiful garden to sit in.
Sedona is an amazing place to visit with so much to do. Maybe you are coming to do some emotional healing, a yoga training, visit sacred sites, or go on a vortex tour. If you are looking for a place to retreat, my space and my retreats, may resonate with you. I do rejuvenating retreats, along with intensives for individuals and couples. The shifts I get to witness in clients have been such a gift for me.
Even if you don’t want a retreat, wouldn’t it be nice to stay in a place that was convenient, cozy and totally nurtured you?
by Debra | Aug 1, 2016
Relationships are amazing for our personal growth? Every couple that finishes my couples retreat, gets to experience the importance of being in relationship with their partner.
A client of mine reads a certain teacher whose name I won’t mention and the client read something about relationships being Ugly! My client is pretty anti relationship. So I pulled up a lot of quotes on this teacher about relationships and I could totally see why my client would view relationships as being ugly. This client took what made him feel comfortable out of the learning, as most of us do.
I think from what I read that what was possibly missed was that if relationships are used to feed the lower self, meaning, you are using them because you’re afraid of being lonely, or you need financial support, etc, they can be ugly. Weird to use the word, “Ugly”, anyway.
I think that if relationships for personal growth are used from our lower self, it’s simply because we don’t know any better. When we start to learn the difference between our lower self/ego mind and higher self that is connect to source, we will stop acting out of that lower place and see the value to having conscious relationships.
Relationships For Personal Growth
Being in relationships is where we have the biggest opportunity to learn about ourselves. Do you notice how your partner or family members trigger you the most? It’s because triggers show us where the unhealed parts are.
“Relationships are hospital for the soul, where stuff comes up where we are unhealed. Relationships are an assignment for maximal growth.”
-Marianne Williamson
If we could look at every person and situation in life that triggers us as an opportunity for personal growth instead of getting angry and blaming the person or situation, the world would become a more conscious place.
The personal growth that I have experienced through all my relationships has been dynamic! If I am looking to evolve in this lifetime, I would ask source to bring it on. Bring on any person or situation that will help me see myself more clearly and learn to live in my higher self, even if it brings me pain and suffering. The pain and suffering will show me where I am in my growth.
by Debra | Jul 25, 2016
So lets look at how our physical body feels connected to our thoughts?
Our mind is a powerful thing. Our beliefs, whether they be old or brand new, will create the life we want. We have to be careful what we think. I am always so amazed that I have this thing inside of me that for the most part I have very little control over. Even though our thoughts may be negative and not in our best interest to be thinking, it’s very hard to stop the thoughts. For example, one of my clients consistently thinks that she can’t travel and sleep. She gets herself in a tailspin every time she has to travel, even if it’s for pleasure. She gets agitated before every vacation because she just knows she isn’t going to sleep well and usually gets ill from lack of sleep. And, most every time she travels, she sleeps terribly and she ends up getting sick.
Our thoughts are powerful. I asked my client to work with her ego mind around traveling and not sleeping. I asked her to tell her ego mind/little girl, every time this thought comes up, that this isn’t the truth and she sleeps soundly when she travels. I asked her to do visualizations with her traveling and getting into an extremely comfortable bed, with a smile on her face and going into a deep, deep sleep. Then waking up and feeling great and going about her day.
I also asked her to be with herself in that moment if for some reason she doesn’t sleep, without buying into the belief that she isn’t going to sleep for the rest of the trip. To not attach this story to the not sleeping just let it be. I love this quote from Pema Chondron about this very thing.
“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now…with it’s aches and it’s pleasures…is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.
-Pema Chodron
Knowing that maybe this lack of sleep is a lesson for us to wake up and pay attention to the negative voice inside us can foster a more positive overall life experience. We can start shifting this part of us to look at everything as an opportunity to train our minds to a higher way of living and to connect our bodies to our minds. It is uplifting to know that everything that is happening to us physically and emotionally can be for our higher learning.
by Debra | Jul 18, 2016
If we are feeling lonely, it is because of our separation from Source!
I think we all have days with a hint of loneliness, and sometimes even utter loneliness and separation
A single tree in the fog.
from everyone including ourselves. This idea that we are actually all alone comes from buying into the illusion that we are separate from all the other separate people we see and commune with. These feelings of separateness not only create sadness but also leave us with a feeling of exhaustion. The exhaustion comes from being out there all alone, doing everything on our own.
I love the analogy that Marianne Williamson uses about the wave in the ocean. If one of the waves thought it wasn’t part of the ocean, it would get annihilated, but as part of the ocean it just flows so freely. This is similar with us. When we see ourselves as part of the whole, I believe things flow much easier and our feelings of separation dissipate.
A lot of people, including myself, experience deep feelings of loneliness from time to time. In remembering that we are all one, it brings me back to a knowing that I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. If we are spiritual beings, we are connected to source and everyone and everything, no separation!
This is why it is so important to stay awake during our day to connect to the experiences we are having that show us where we are. When we are buying into old limiting beliefs from our Ego minds/little girl that say we are all alone and not safe, we need to know that this idea isn’t the truth, that it is from our lower self. If we stay away, we are able to use the situation as an opportunity to shift these old beliefs instead of continuing to live through them. This is why my intensive retreats are so powerful, because you learn how to wake up.
This feeling of aloneness is simply from our separation from source, thinking we are here doing this life by ourselves and not co-creating with the universe. When we see that we are all one, we have the ability to flow with the ocean not come up against the waves. This feels completely different.
A morning practice that I do before my meditation is connecting to the universe and all that it encompasses. I let source know that I have a willingness to see that I am connected to everyone and everything and co-creating with the universe. This is very powerful!
“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” ~ Janet Fitch
by Debra | Jul 11, 2016
Is it possible to create a passionate life through a personal retreat? YES!
Most of the people who come to me are suffering with a less than fulfilling life. Their number one complaint is feeling dead inside and their life doesn’t seem to be working for them. They are also not sure how to continue living with these feelings for the rest of their lives.
In my personal retreat, many times clients find their passion because they are getting to know themselves like they have never before. When we are ruled by our Ego mind with thoughts of “I’m not good enough,” or “Something is wrong with me,” or “My illness is preventing me from having a full life,” etc., it’s pretty tough to be empowered and live big.
The first thing we do in my personal or couple’s retreat is to uncover all the old limiting beliefs that the Ego mind has. Then we look at the ways you might be operating from that place. Finally, we start shifting the old patterns and create a new perspective and then a new life. Here is something a client said six months after her Intensive Personal Retreat:
“My life has completely shifted. I am shocked that by not operating out of my little girl, or Ego, that there could be such significant changes. I am showing up for myself in a way I never thought possible, which allows me to be there for others. I don’t even feel like myself, I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered and I feel like I’m seeing people for the first time.”
This client came to me with quite a low sense of self and she was fairly angry with the people in her life. Through learning about her Ego mind and not letting it rule her life, she has been able to make changes for the positive. She works at what she needs to do to not take the action the Ego is telling her to take.
We all want to live a life with passion and love, yet we are handicapped by our own making. It has always amazed me that I have this mind inside of me over which I have so little control. I have to work daily to not let this lower part of me take control over my life. If I’m on autopilot with my life, it has full reign.
We cannot leave our life up to fate and hope for the best. We need to work at shifting this part of ourselves and practice living in our higher selves daily.
by Debra | Jul 4, 2016
Are you a good communicator?
Can you always convey what you mean?
Do you try to listen to your partner without thinking about your response?
Do you fear speaking your truth?
If you have listened to people communicate, you will notice that their communication may sound a bit off. They may think they are expressing themselves clearly, but this is seldom the case.
Going deeper into our needs, we notice that our communication at it’s surface, does not address our real needs. Here is an example of what I mean.
You have planned an evening out with your partner and you both just got home from work. You ask your partner, “Do you need to take a shower?” Your partner says yes, and goes into the bathroom. Your body is feeling a bit uneasy because you haven’t eaten since lunch, your blood levels drop a bit making you feel sick. Do you think your partner knows all this? Not at all. He thinks you just wanted to know if he was going to take a shower. Here is a better way to communicate your needs: “I was wondering how long it is going to take you to get ready because I may need to eat a small snack before we go, so that I don’t get a blood sugar crash and feel crummy. I’m really looking forward to our evening together and it would disappoint me to feel bad.”
This way you communicate your needs correctly. This is something we do all the time. Our partners cannot read our minds to know our concerns and needs unless we express them clearly. To do this we need to know within ourselves what our concerns are.
The key take home points are:
- Think before you speak.
- Think about what your needs are.
- Ask yourself what the clearest way to express them would be.
- Then communicate them as clearly as possible.
Most arguments begin because of clarity in communication. My clients will often complain that their partner says, “I’m not a mind reader.” So, help your partner understand you and show up for you by communicating clearly.
by Debra | Jun 27, 2016
I think we all would like to Avoid drama in our life, right?
Crying and smiling masks in hazy light.
What is drama? Drama is a conversation that simply goes nowhere. Both parties try really heard to make their point, as they feel as though they are right. When conversation escalates, thoughts and feelings can often lead to aggravation and frustration. We often lack mindfulness in these key moments because our triggers overpower us. When we refuse to look at our part in the issue we naturally blame others for our discomfort. The only way to stay out of drama is to do your own personal work. If you can look at why you are triggered without blaming others, then the drama stops dead in its tracks.
I will share a story about a client of mine who was feeling worthless, not good enough and insignificant. She took all this pain and projected it on her husband. “Why does he not love me enough?” When she blamed her husband, he defended his position because he didn’t want to feel like he did something wrong. As the drama progressed, I told her to sit down and do some trigger work. After settling down, she recognized that her feelings were actually inside of her and not directed at her husband. When they discussed the trigger together, she let go of projecting and blaming her husband for all the pain she experienced by feeling worthless. She needed to understand for herself before her husband could understand how she truly felt.
With drama the argument goes round and round in a power position of who is right. We engage in drama when we try to make people behave in a certain way with the hopes of us feeling better once they change. The drama starts right at the moment we go outside of ourselves.
So for all of you who have learned this trigger work from me in either a retreat or other settings, make sure to hold yourself accountable and continue the work so you don’t go back to old patterns of belief and projecting. For those of you who want to know more about this technique, I would love to share it with you. It will truly change your life.
This is why with every retreat whether it be an intensive individual retreat, couple’s retreat or a mother-daughter retreat, mentoring afterward may be a good way to solidify your learning. I do offer to aftercare sessions for all retreats.
Shifting old limiting beliefs through our little girl/ego is not easy. This takes practice and awareness. So if you are interested in preventing drama in your life, you may want to consider an individual retreat or mentoring.
by Debra | Jun 20, 2016
Being conscious means not sleeping on the job! It means being awake!
Spirituality concept
Going through your day with awareness, not being on autopilot. The majority of people on this planet are sleep walking and don’t know it. They get up in the morning, drag themselves to the coffee machine, take a shower, go to work, work, come home, fix dinner, watch a little TV, go to bed exhausted. Get up a repeat the same mundane experience over and over.
I try to live my life as consciously as possible by staying awake to what is going on in my day. I get up in the morning and greet my day and either hike in nature or sit and at least get a 5 minute meditation in. When I hike I go to a certain point on the hike and say my gratitude and intentions for the day. This really sets the tone for paying attention to how my day unfolds. Meditation does the same thing. It grounds me in walking through my day awake. When I get to my office, down the hall, I look at my day and see what it has in store for me and how I might be able to affect the people in my day positively. Now, sometimes during the day I find myself going on autopilot, it’s natural, although I try to wake myself as soon as possible.
Another thing that happens to get in my way of living consciously is all the stimulation the world has to offer. My phone, emails, internet, my mind, everyday daily activities. It’s important to bring ourselves back to the present and look at what is important to us. It’s a daily practice to look at how you want to live your life and take the action to do it.
A few questions to ask yourself would be:
1. Are you on Autopilot?
2. Are you doing what you love in your career?
3. Are you spending quality time with the ones you love?
4. Are you overweight and eating for comfort or out of habit?
5. Are you bored with your life?
6. Are you walking through your life not knowing what you want out of it?
7. Are you stuck in the drama of your life instead of the learning?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to WAKE UP!
I heard a great story about a man who knocks on his son’s door. “Jamie,” he says, “wake up!” Jamie answers, ” I don’t want to get up, Papa.” The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.” Jamie says “I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” ask the father. “Three reasons,” says Jamie. “First, because it’s so dull; second the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.” And the father says, “Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First because it’s your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster,” Wake up, wake up! You’ve grown up. Your to big to be asleep.
It’s time to wake up, your to old to be asleep. if you need help waking up, looking at your life and how it’s not working for you, let’s talk about how you can be more conscious and live your life with more passion and zest.
by Debra | Jun 13, 2016
Are you learning from your life Challenges?
Have you ever found yourself climbing over one big obstacle and you barely make it over that one when you see the next one lined up and ready to go? It’s exhausting just thinking about it, let alone going through each one, whether it’s an illness, a divorce, a difficult situation with a partner or kids, or simply pressures at work. Sometimes we feel like we can’t breathe, like we are almost under water, barely treading. In each of these moments, we feel like we don’t have the strength to make it through.
You might look around and see that others don’t seem to be having the struggles that you’re having. This is when one of your old beliefs might come creeping in that says, “Life isn’t fair.” This will give you the opportunity to explore this old belief and shift it.
The reality is that, this is life!
Life is up and down and sometimes the downs stay awhile. Sometimes, they stay a lot longer than we would like. However, the longer they stay, the more time we have to work on shifting the old, limiting belief. Everyone suffers with challenging situations in life and some obstacles seem way bigger than others while some seem way smaller. It would be nice if we could be grateful for the struggles and see them as a learning opportunity, and that as we work through them, others will also get the benefit.
If you take a moment and look at all the obstacles you have overcome in your life, you may be amazed at the fact that you are still standing. This in itself is a great learning opportunity because you can see how strong you are in the face of adversity and how this type of situation has built up your stamina. We are always stronger than we think. If we learn to view each struggle as an opportunity and roll with it, it will help in the frustration.
A lot of times, it’s the resistance towards the situation that causes the suffering. Imagine looking at a situation, like losing your job, as: “The Universe has something bigger and better planned for me”, instead of spending all your energy wishing you still had your job or being angry at your boss for firing you. Take that energy and look at what good things may come from it. This is a little harder to do with an illness, although I have talked to a lot of people who have said that their illness was indeed such a blessing. It taught them how to be in the moment and love deeply from their heart.
So, whatever you are experiencing in your life that is keeping you in the suffering, I suggest you look deeper into the why! And an intensive retreat can show you how to connect with your deepest self and rejuvenate.
by Debra | Jun 6, 2016
This is another article I did in the Imagine magazine about having empathy. To view the rest of the magazine, see the link below.
Got Empathy?
Is empathy something that some people are naturally born with and others aren’t? Is it a learned trait or an inherent quality to be brought forward? How can we help our youth deepen in empathy?
There is a significant amount of neurological research today that indicates the prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to mature. In fact, it doesn’t become fully formed until a person reaches his or her mid-twenties. These studies say that due to an immature prefrontal cortex, teenagers tend to make irrational decisions and exhibit a poor sense of empathy. I can partially appreciate these conclusions because I have worked with teens that exhibit a sense of invincibility and have a lower fear factor than most adults. But as far as empathy goes, I’m not so sure I agree.
In my mentoring practice, I see many teens that express concern and caring for others, including their parents. I also see the other side of
the spectrum where teens seem to be completely self-absorbed. I’ve often wondered why it is hard for many of them to have real experiences of empathy.
Here are a few my observations:
Teens often do not take time to stop and think about how their actions might affect themselves, let alone others. They are more inclined to be running off to do the next exciting thing. This can set up a habit of making the same mistakes over and over. Interestingly, it just doesn’t occur to them to do anything else.
Teens are me-centric. As parents, we actually train them to be this way when we allow our world to neurotically revolve around their needs and desires. When teens are caught up in their emotions and hormonal ups and downs, it can be difficult for them to transfer any sensitivity or concern to someone else. Many teens have challenges expressing how they feel. Asking them to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they feel might not be easy.
Bottom line: I believe it is up to us as parents, guardians, and teachers to use opportunities that arise to help bring forth the inherent, and often latent, capacity for empathy in our youth. We can do this by taking time to talk with them about situations that might come up in school. Ask questions like, “What would it feel like if you had a learning disability and the kids at school were making fun of you and you were eating lunch alone everyday?” Engage in dialog about difficult issues around the world, and not just about what is happening, but how the people and even animals must feel in those situations. Expose them to challenging conditions and have them consider what it would be like if it were actually happening to them. It’s hard to cultivate empathy for others when you don’t take the time to slow down and imagine walking in their shoes.
Recently I was introduced to a young woman named Erin Staadecker, who is currently the program director for seniors in an assisted living facility in Seattle. She shared some of her earlier experiences that led up to a college project where she put herself in the shoes of a homeless person and what she learned about herself.
Erin’s story
I was raised by two highly socially-mindful parents who brought me to homeless shelters since the age of three; I endured my own trials with adoption and personal loss and grew up in a generation that speaks fairly candidly about racism, sexism, classism, and any ism we can rally around. To top it off, I’m a woman! So I should have this handled. Whatever the true source of human empathy, I’m discovering it’s a mountain with no top, and my relationship to it is constantly transforming.
When I was four I explained to my mother, very matter-of-factly, that we are all brothers and sisters and we need to take care of each other. I recall in fourth grade, standing up for the nerdy kid being bullied at recess. As one of the “cool kids” I couldn’t exactly identify, but was nonetheless intuitively called to action. Even after I moved to a different town, he and I wrote letters because somehow I knew he would need my friendship. Had I known the word for it at four or ten years old, I probably would have called that empathy.
It’s no surprise that when I got to college at the University of Arizona, my friends and I started the Social Justice League—not to be confused with the league of universe-defending superheroes, although we often fashioned ourselves as such in the name of the aforementioned “isms.” We hosted lectures, demonstrations, peaceful marches, fundraisers and the like to address issues ranging from sex trafficking, immigration and fair trade as the catalyst for social change, to religious intolerance, domestic partnership benefits, and LGBTQ rights. We were an extraordinary group of young men and women with a huge commitment to a world that works for everyone and no one is left out. Years later, I’m proud to say our Social Justice League members have continued with vocational work to affect change in their communities, institutions, society, and the world.
In Fall of 2009, the Social Justice League chose to spotlight the issue of homelessness, particularly given that Tucson’s homeless community was largely hidden due to privatization of sidewalks and laws about sleeping in public. Over 17,000 homeless people lived virtually unseen in the city. Despite being one of the world’s large human rights issues, homelessness was silently spreading in our own backyard.
We quickly realized that to make a difference we couldn’t simply watch a movie, hand out a pamphlet, or merely picket to “end homelessness.” We wanted to understand it, experience it, and to really author our own experience, we had to live it. So we decided to get as close as we could get. For one week, about 20 of us surrendered the luxuries of privileged life: no showers, beds, stocked refrigerators, cell phones, computers, washing machines, or money. Each person was allowed a change of clothes and whatever schoolwork we needed for the week (we were conducting this simulation on campus, after all, and were still expected to attend class). If you had asked me then if we were out to discover empathy, I probably would have said no, we were out to “raise awareness,” “put a face to homelessness,” “educate our peers,” “raise civil discourse,” or something like that.
During the day we built Tentropolis, a tent city on the UA’s campus mall, very central to passersby and hard to miss. When not in class, we confined ourselves to this area. We dined from a soup kitchen provided with leftovers from campus dining services. At night we packed up our few belongings and slept in a mock shelter, complete with nightly registration protocol and a hard gymnasium floor. Tentropolis participants spoke up in their classrooms and a few of our classmates came forward as being homeless youth, living out of their cars and barely scraping together tuition. Community leaders, activists, and members of the homeless community joined us in demonstration. We collected donations for a local shelter, and yes, there were still picket signs. As the universe would have it, on the first night of Tentropolis, one of my dear friends was killed in a tragic accident. I was overcome with grief but let it become a part of my Tentropolis experience. A homeless woman would have to experience her grief all the same.
Even though we were in our early twenties, we were still not arrogant enough to say that we now “understood” homelessness, or had actually been homeless. We only went a week without the luxuries of home, but we still had the suspended promise of a home at the end of seven days. I also knew I had the support of friends and family supporting my cause, as well as professors who endorsed our work. But that week challenged my senses, my values, my comfort; it triggered my fight and flight instincts, left me feeling helpless, empowered, annoyed, and vulnerable. I grieved the loss of a friend and felt naked in front of people. What I got was a deep connection with people—with the experience of being human—that is available when I am willing to make myself vulnerable to someone else’s experience. I discovered humility when I look at a homeless man begging for “anything helps” at an intersection, and that I have no idea what that person is dealing with. They are still human, just like me. I may not completely share or understand their feelings or experience, but I still honor them. Tentropolis allowed me to give up the right to know someone’s story at first glance. I discovered an access to love.
Therein lies a dilemma, and the next transformation in my relationship to empathy. Tentropolis was six years ago, and I can’t always undergo a week-long simulation to “stand in another’s moccasins,” as my mother would say. It’s also easier—and safer—to show empathy to a stranger. Even now as I embark on a career in Assisted Living and Memory Care, caring for people with Alzheimer’s and dementia, which requires a high level of empathy, I cannot, nor do I want to “understand or share” the feelings of my residents. I cannot locate myself in their brains; honestly that terrifies me. Yet I still possess an extraordinary ability to be with my residents’ feelings, without making them wrong for that which is no longer in their control. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. Am I always the beacon of empathy, grace, and patience? No. Sometimes I turn off my empathy to avoid being a puddle on the floor.
So my next step: having empathy unconditionally for the people I love the most, and being empathic towards the people who scare me.
