by Debra | Nov 28, 2016
How can we use our pain as our teacher?
In many of my Sedona soul retreats, my clients complain about habitual pain they’ve experienced in their bodies. No matter what they do they can’t seem to rid themselves of it.
First, just knowing that pain comes and goes, to acknowledge its impermanent nature is helpful. Most people will feel pain at some time in their life, but it is important not to allow pain to define our sense of who we are to the point where it unnecessarily affects our well being. However, in the midst of consistent pain, this may prove to be a difficult task.
I remember when I suffered with an illness and was in pain for about two years; the pain became a part of who I was. I talked about my pain a lot and really believed it was here to stay. When it finally dissipated I was shocked and so relieved. Now when pain comes into my life, I don’t feed it the extra energy that allows it to become the primary thing that defines me. I look at my underlying feelings around the pain and view it as a teacher with lessons to offer.
My body, stomach issues, eye sight, and teeth have all been great teachers for me. When I don’t become solely fixated on the physical pain of an illness, there is a great opportunity for me to connect more deeply with myself. Sometime this isn’t easy at all. Oftentimes, we try to rid ourselves of the pain without acknowledging the connection between physical pain and our emotional body. Perhaps this is because the deep-rooted emotions and traumas within us can oftentimes be more troubling to face than the physical pain itself.
When we treat pain only as a backache, crones, arthritis, etc., we are dealing with half of the problem. Over the course of those two years, the main feelings that came up for me were, “I’m all alone in this and nobody loves me.” This is what my Ego-mind was telling me. It is interesting how physical pain could trigger such core wounding for me. Pain usually does refer us to wounding that is dormant within us, so be aware of this connection when looking at what your Ego mind is saying about the pain.
It is critical to go beyond our surface-level mindless chatter that upholds the notion that our pain is solidified and unchanging, that it is now who we are, and we cannot change it. By seeing the physical connection to our emotions and past wounding, we can begin to work with the full scope of our pain and have control over it, rather than allowing it to continue to control our sense of self and purpose.
I have worked with many people in my personal retreats that have had chronic pain, to find that when they connect into their emotional triggers, the pain lessens. If you are continually connecting with the same patterns around your pain, move into what the pain is actually saying and know that the message the Ego mind is delivering isn’t the truth and the pain is impermanent.
What does your pain say? Think about it and let me know.
by Debra | Nov 21, 2016
I wrote this for my Empowered Teens and Parents site and really thought it would be good for my Sedona Soul Retrieval, incase their were any parents. Look at how you can empower yourself to empower your teen.
What do you desire for your teen? Do you want them to be empowered, to be happy, caring, and respectful? Do you want them to be able to communicate well and to fulfill their dreams, to love themselves, to be confident, independent and self assured? How about hoping they will make good decisions, be productive in life, be kindhearted, and have really good values?
If so, how can we help empower our teens? We can:
- listen to them
- step into their reality
- give them more praise and less criticism
- let them follow their dreams and not push our dreams on them
- teach them how to manage their life knowing that they are on the biggest learning curve of their life
- allow mistakes to be the pathway to learning
- be a role model showing them that you can handle challenges without losing your cool
Take a moment and think about what stops you from empowering your teen.
Fears and triggers are a big reason why we don’t follow through. And when we react to our teen rather than support him or her, they tend to shut down and stop listening to us. Instead, they begin listening to their peers, the exact opposite of what we want. We want to guide our own teens.
Take a look at your behavior when you are around your teen. What are your fears and triggers like when it comes to your teen? The answer is probably many things. Bad grades, drugs, too much internet, not listening, not respecting their bodies, getting with the wrong crowd, and their well being are just a few things to top the list.
So how do you stop reacting to your teen? First of all, you stop projecting your fears onto them and stop blaming them for your fears. Own your own feelings and stop believing that your teen is the cause of your fears. You have a choice. You can act from the higher self inside of you, the self that knows that your feelings come from what’s happening inside. Or you can act from your lower self, the inner child that’s very wounded and thinks that everything we feel is because of something or someone on the outside. It’s very important to understand that all of our feelings come from what’s happening on the inside, not on the outside. So if your teen does something that triggers you, it’s not about them. It’s actually coming from you, from a wound in your childhood that’s being triggered.
by Debra | Nov 14, 2016
How To Deal with a Difficult Family
It is that time again, the holiday season is upon us. This can be a joyous time, and it can also be a time of conflict, especially with family members.
Many of us have experienced difficult situations around this time with family. It can be especially challenging when we travel to visit family members because we are in someone else’s environment and can’t always do our own thing. I usually go to Oregon to see my daughters and grandson. My oldest daughter chooses not to celebrate the Christmas holiday. She thinks it ridiculous and quiet frankly so do I. Regardless, I go see them because it is important to be together. We usually cook and try to not get on each other’s nerves too much. I always know where I am in my process and clearly see my limiting beliefs. I think we can all agree that during the holidays the tension is definitely higher.
We get triggered the most and take things personally when we are around our family members. What I want to talk about is how to be around family members and stay alive. Clients often tell me, “If she wasn’t my sister, or my mother, etc. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with her.” But it’s tough to avoid your mother, husband or kids.
The beauty is, our family is our biggest teacher. They let us know exactly where we are in our personal development and show us our limits to love. In a family where everyone is doing their personal work, and no one is projecting on to others, one might not have to worry about the triggers. Sorry, I had a little giggle because I have never seen such a family. Mostly what I see and experience is our humanness. We are all doing the best we can, and continue to try to come out of our family dynamics alive.
What if we could shift from our survival mode of “getting out alive,” to seeing our experience as an opportunity to learn?
Here are some tips you can try out this year. First and foremost, don’t take things too personally, including people’s opinions, like the new president. Let others have their opinions, even if it is about you. If you are in a tough conversation you can simply say, “that’s interesting.” Try not to get sucked into the “I gotta win game.” Let them think and be who they are. Love them for who they are.
A good personal check in is to see if you are experiencing any anxiety, depression or severe physical symptoms from your interactions with family. This lets you know that you are taking things way too personally and believing their behavior is actually about you, when it’s not.
Family time is a chance to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself. This is easier said than done, especially when in the triggers seem endless.
Here are some simple tips you can use to stay calm around family:
- Their behavior isn’t about you
- Don’t engage in trying to win conversations, just say, “That’s interesting.”
- See interaction as an opportunity to grow
- They are doing the best they can
- Love them for who they are (even if their crazy)
- Find ways to take care of your self while around them
Enjoy your holiday season and learn to love passed your limits!
by Debra | Nov 7, 2016
What is your assignment in this lifetime? Explore it in a personal retreat!
Do you believe you are here for a reason? Do you think that the reason is very specific? We all have a specific assignment here. It could be in the field of medicine, real estate, art, food, politics, or raising our children. Whatever the assignment is, we know it to be ours. But that assignment can change over time, and it’s important to be able to recognize the pull in a new direction and to take heed.
“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
―Jack Kerouac
When I was 30, I worked for an alternative radio station and the benefits person there said to me that I always thought the grass was greener on the other side. And I said to her that it was, because for me, it always was. I was always seeking to be better and if that meant moving out of one area of my life and into another, then so be it. If I never made changes, I would have never come into my passion and what I believe to be my core assignment, helping people shift their lives through looking at their fear and Ego mind.
Within our assignments, our actions are very important to the world and our smaller community around us. So, first realize that maybe being a mother is your assignment, and then be the best version of this that you can be. So no matter what you are doing at this moment, do it with all you have. Be the best mother, real estate broker, speaker, mentor, etc. that you can possibly be.
When I go into a restaurant and the server is really engaging and really good at what they do, I know that person is taking their assignment seriously. Maybe their assignment in this life is to be pure love and joy regardless of the specific task. It is a different experience when a server is in a bad mood serving me. It affects my experience. So if the server is passionate about the job and delivers that passion into our dining experience, it leaves me with love in my heart. Otherwise, it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. Of course, I can choose to not take the nastiness personally, but it still changes the environment.
It’s good to know what our assignment is, and then to know that we have a choice to affect others in either a positive or negative way.
by Debra | Nov 1, 2016
Learning the Importance of keeping your vibration high in a personal retreat.
Sometimes, our beliefs can work against us. Shifting these beliefs can increase our quality of life and our vibration many times. In an individual retreat, I teach how to shift those beliefs. And why is this so important? If you buy into a belief system that makes you suffer, it will keep you, your quality of life, and your vibrations down.
As an example, during the past couple of weeks, one of my core beliefs has been testing me. The core belief is, “Life is hard”. I have recently been left with a non-working phone and a new phone that won’t sync with my computer, among a host of other computer issues. At first, I began to get frustrated, but then, I realized what was happening. I was buying into the core belief of life being hard, and I knew it was high time for me to change that.
Now that I have changed that core belief, in spite of the fact that my technology continues its annoying behavior, I am breathing easier and saying to my Ego/Little Girl, “This is just life, and what a great opportunity to practice my patience and see things from my higher self.” Life doesn’t feel hard anymore, rather, it feels good because I am shifting low vibrational beliefs.
This process works with any situation, person or thought that disrupts our bliss. Triggers are here for a reason, to show us where we can grow so we can heal and vibrate at a higher level. Our goal in this lifetime is to evolve and be able to make a difference in the world. If we are stuck in our own mess, we can’t be of service. When
our vibration is low, we attract more low vibrating experiences, placing us in a rut and causing us to be in a life we aren’t enjoying.
We want to vibrate at a higher level for a few reasons:
- Our body will feel better and have better health
- Pure enjoyment, not anxiety
- We create more passionately
- We attract higher vibrational situations to us
- We participate in the world by being more positive
Check in with yourself daily, even hourly, to see where your vibration is at any given time. If you are triggered, work at shifting to get back into alignment. If you are looking for help because you don’t quite know where to start, an individual retreat or mentoring might be a great place to start.
by Debra | Oct 24, 2016
Do you want to bring Intimacy into your relationship through a Sedona couple’s retreat?
Are you looking for a better way of communicating and feeling closer to your primary partner? Have you tried couple’s counseling with no luck? What does it take to have a successful outcome in therapy, counseling or a couple’s retreat?
First, it takes two people in a partnership who are willing to change, learn and grown in order to form a more rewarding relationship. This takes a certain amount of awareness and understanding of the part each of you play. Do you blame your partner? Does your partner blame you? If either of you believe that the problem lies with the other one, are both of you willing to re-examine your own actions and motives? And finally, it takes a lot of practice, patience and kindness.
Are you in a relationship with someone who isn’t aware of their behavior and blames you for most things, is unwilling to go to therapy, and yet for some reason, you still want to stay and try to work it out? If so, then it’s time to look at yourself and ask why.
For a partnership to have intimacy, both must contribute at a very high level. Most of the participation involves looking at your own beliefs and limits. We always come up against our limits when it involves love in a relationship. This is why relationships are such a wonderful place for mutual healing, if both parties have interest in doing the work.
Critical to a harmonious relationships:
- Two people participating at a high level
- An awareness of yourself and your woundedness
- Desire to wake up to your shadow side
- Practicing the tools
- Patience with yourself and partner
- Kindness with yourself and partner
Most partnerships will not change unless each participant shifts. So, if you are looking for your relationship to be more loving and close, look at what you aren’t bringing to the table. Start working on your own stuff and stop expecting your partner to meet your needs. This would be the first place to start, even if your partner can’t participate.
We can only be concerned with our own personal healing, not because we don’t care about our partner, but because healing our partner isn’t our job. You are only capable of healing yourself. If you want to help your partner heal, the only way is through your own healing. We have enough on our plates with our own shadow side. Usually when we are in our partner’s business and looking at what isn’t happening over there, it’s because we don’t want to look at ours. The more you can see how your thoughts, words and actions affect the relationship, the greater the change in that relationship can be.
I have seen many relationships shift just by one person doing their own personal work.
by Debra | Oct 17, 2016
How can we find our passion and live it?
Are you living in joy and passion? Are you breathing life into your soul? Many adults find that this is not the life they are leading.
Some of the biggest issues I see with my clients is that they are working in jobs they hate, staying in relationships out of fear and don’t believe they can create a life that is exciting and full of passion, and so they end up settling into a life of dull existence. If you aren’t happy, you are the only one who can examine your life and determine the cause. You are the only one who can make your life boring or exciting.
A friend of mine told me that when she used tell her parents she was bored, they would reply, “If you’re bored, then it’s because you’re boring.” Isn’t that the truth? If I’m creative, I’ll find something fun to do. It’s the same with feeling less passionate. If I don’t feel passion, then it’s up to me to create a more passionate life.
One reason for feeling lifeless is when we find ourselves in a dead end job. Another source of frustration is being in a relationship that is stagnant. Or maybe you simply don’t give any energy to being creative. I notice in my own life, when I’m painting or taking photos, it excites me. I also notice that when I give back, I get a tremendous sense of pleasure which helps me lead a more passionate life.
Come find your passion in a retreat!
Another reason we might feel lifeless is not being connected to our higher self and source. Sometimes, if we feel separated and disconnected, we become sad and depressed. When we are depressed, it’s hard to step up and feed our passions and nurture ourselves and our relationships.
If you find yourself in this position, first and foremost, look at your spirituality and connection to source. Then, take an inventory of your life and what you want to change in it that will create a desire and craving that leads to passion. Look at all areas of your life and see what needs to shift. It’s impossible to live a full, exciting life when we feel dead inside.
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” —Nelson Mandela
by Debra | Oct 10, 2016
How can we see through our fear? Sometimes it seems so big!
Fear can be totally debilitating. It can stop you dead in your tracks. Finances, relationships, careers and health can all be a bit overwhelming. One of my greatest fears has always been finances. Money is always expanding and contracting as clients come and go. I used to worry that I would never get another client, lose my house, starve to death and die. Sounds a little extreme, but that is where my Ego mind would take me. My Ego mind/Little girl would take me all the way down the rabbit hole to the most negative places imaginable.
As I have grown, I have come to understand that this physical world is an illusion and that I am a spiritual being who is capable of learning from my physical experiences. I can thus lean into Source instead of my Ego, even though my Ego will continue to challenge me on occasions. This is where my daily practice comes in handy. If I wasn’t practicing daily and staying connected to my higher self and Source, my Ego mind could have its way with me.
To move through fear, one must first understand it. Understanding our fears gives us power, and only then can we learn from it. Fear says things like: You’re not safe, you can’t do it, it’s too hard, you won’t make it, etc. Fear is full of worry, uncertainty, and anxiety. Fear without understanding leaves us powerless.
The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.
Gandhi
Whenever we fear unnecessarily, we are acting out of the wounded little girl and we will repeat old patterns. It’s only when we move into the space of our higher self, Love, that we create the life we want. It’s impossible to live a courageous life filled with possibilities when you live in fear.
In my personal Women’s Retreat, you will learn how to recognize and understand the fears you are living with and be able to transform your life. Ask yourself what the most important thing in your life is and how you could create it. Most women I know want to create a life full of passion, happiness and fulfillment. If this is a life you want, call me and set up your FREE consultation and see if my Personal Women’s Retreat is right for you.
by Debra | Oct 3, 2016
Do you sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel when it comes to communicating with your Partner? Coming to a couples retreat in Sedona might be right for you!
How do you create intimacy in a relationship where two people are very different in their approach to communication? Men and women naturally tend to relate differently. Women are more emotionally biased while men are more practical and apt to be a problem fixer. When issues arise in a relationship, a women’s emotions might be in play more. Talking about her feelings will generally help her feel better. Men lean towards finding a solution and solving the problem.
If both parties can move towards the middle with the intention of trying to understand how the other person is viewing the situation, an equally acceptable resolution could be much more likely. Although talking about problems may make many women feel better, this places the responsibility of her feelings on her partner. Sometimes this can take hours and maybe days! It’s not your partners job to make you feel better. It’s your job to listen to your Ego and discover the source of your suffering. Understanding that the answer lies within you and not your partner could help free you from many long and unproductive discussions.
Men’s desire to handle the problem in a practical, problem solving, non-emotional manner may leave the woman feeling unheard or misunderstood. You can see where the issues are with these totally different ways of communicating.
We should first do our own work to understand what triggers us, what our Ego says about it, and how we aren’t going to buy into what our Ego views as truth. Then go to your partner with a better understanding of yourself and the part your Ego plays in your triggers. Your partner will be more likely to listen, more able to see his part and maybe more willing to do work around that.
If you put the issue on him, he may think he did something wrong and go into fix-it mode or he may simply deny his part. Just own your part, do your work around it and then go to your partner with your process. Don’t go to your partner thinking they will make you feel better. This is a trap for you and a trap for him. If you are truly doing your work here and you really want to become self actualized, you have to stop projecting and start owning. Then and only then will you and your partner be able to come together and grow.
by Debra | Sep 26, 2016
A great place to tackle your Ego mind is in a Sedona Soul Retrieval Retreat!
Do we have control over our Ego mind? It’s always so bazaar to me that I have something inside of me, my mind, that I don’t seem readily able to control. When insecurities come up that trigger us, we start acting out of this unconscious part of our self. Then, when we start recognizing that we are acting out, we may feel shame and beat our self up. If we remain in our Ego state, we will repeat the actions over and over.
What a vicious cycle we are in if we can’t stop acting out of the Ego mind. The process begins with being triggered and unconsciously acting out of the lower self. We do not even realize that we are triggered. Once we recognize this, we may still be unable to prevent the acting out of the lower self. However, as we continue to recognize the Ego in action, we have the ability to catch it and stop its progression. The more we slow down our minds and actions, the better chance we have of catching the sneaky Ego and not taking the actions it wants us to take.
The more we ask for help in this area, the more triggers will come because the universe wants to give you all the practice you need to heal that wounded place and stop acting out of that wounded space. Without the practice in a concentrated time, we wouldn’t learn. If our triggers only come every so often we are less apt to get the learning. So even though it’s not that much fun to be in a triggered state for an extended period of time, it forces us to pay attention which is a necessity to learn and move on.
As much as I do this work for others, I am always humbled when I am reminded that I am also on this path of self-actualization just like you. When I get hit hard with it, I really have to be careful not to go into shame and beat myself up. I then have to practice compassion and love for this wounded part in me. If we don’t stay awake, a lot of this can slip right by us and the lessons go unlearned and missed. But not for long, because they always come back around and maybe the next time with more fury!
by Debra | Sep 19, 2016
How does your relationships play a part in choosing love over fear?
If you’re brave enough, you will tackle your Ego mind through your current primary relationship. I use the word bravery because you have to be willing to look at all that dark stuff we don’t like to admit is in us.
I’m always excited at what a relationship teaches me about myself. It shows me where my limits are, where I am holding back love because of fear. In a relationship, we get to explore our woundedness, and it’s not always pretty! But when we shine light on the darkness, we can shift it. If we pretend it isn’t there, we can’t see it, and therefore, we can’t change it. Ignoring it is basically lying to ourselves and causes us to be out of alignment. It takes courage to hold yourself accountable for your actions.
Even when a relationship ends, there is a lot to look at. The main thing is to look at the part we played and to move away from what they did. It’s important to stay away from fear and to stay with your learning. This may be difficult, but it’s a great tool in helping to learn how to stop listening to the Ego mind.
Every time we choose to stay out of our little girl or Ego mind, we are capable of being with Love. If we are acting out of our little girl or Ego, we can only come from fear, and if we are coming from fear, we block the flow of love. Love can’t come to us or through us, and this is such a shame because all we really want in life is to love and be loved, to be connected to the whole, and to be a part of something greater than oneself.
If I am living in the spiritual realm instead of the physical, it’s easy to give and receive love. If my Ego mind is hard at it, I am full of fear. And if fear is present, love isn’t. So it is my daily practice to always observe where fear is present in me so I can shift it to love.
Utilize your current situation, whether you are in a relationship or not, to look at your limits around love and how you are acting out of your Ego.
by Debra | Sep 12, 2016
What does it look Like to be one with the universe and others?
If we look at our life on this physical plane, with our material things and our physical bodies, it appears that we are all separate. I get up in the morning in my own body and can’t feel other people’s bodies. I wake up in my own home and can’t see into other people’s homes. So everything in the physical, three dimensional world certainly points to me being separate. But if I look at my life through my spiritual lens, where I am spirit, I am one with everyone.
This is our biggest challenge in this physical world because being separate seems so real. So everyday I wake up and sit on my meditation pillow, for me a large beanbag, and I have a serious conversation with my Ego mind and God, i.e. Love. I acknowledge my willingness to see things differently, to see things from my higher self, which allows me to live in a space of love, not fear.
Most days I get the opportunity to witness the strength of my Ego mind and consciously make a decision to act out of my higher self. This is the beauty in self-development, you get many opportunities to practice being Love and training your Ego mind. Every time I act out of this higher place in me, it’s because I realize I am a part of much more than myself. My Ego is very selfish, judgmental, and totally believes in the illusion that this physical world is real and I am separate from everyone.
When I act from my Ego mind and judge and control, or I am needy, it always leaves me feeling crappy. The crappy feeling is because when I act from these places, I am not acting out of the best me I know I can be. And if I am judging someone else, I am truly judging myself as well. If my Ego is being needy, it’s coming from a place of lack instead of a giving space of Love.
The universe wants us to be right with ourselves, to heal that wounded part inside of us. This is why it gives us many opportunities through out the day to practice being in alignment. This is a daily meditation practice, starting in the morning, carrying through the day, paying attention to what you are thinking, and closing with a nightly check-in on how you did.
Remember everything we do to others, we are doing to ourselves. We are one!
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
― Albert Einstein
